Today was especially hard last year, but the sting has been taken out it seems. I haven't cried and have only thought about it about a million times (I joke) leading up to today and only a few times already this morning. I could have a 1 year old / almost 1 year old if only my ectopic had implanted in the right spot (oh, and had kept growing for 9 1/2 months!).
I'm quite sure that being in the middle of a cycle is also helping to take the sting out of today.
But in general, due dates SUCK. As if the loss, sadness and disappointment isn't enough, the due date rolls around just in time to take that healing wound and scrape the thick scab off in a second. We know the due date is coming. It doesn't sneak up on us. Which is almost worse because (if you're like me) we think about it leading up to the actual due date. And, if your life is anything like mine, you can't talk about it with your hubby. I am 100% positive that my hubby has no idea today is one of our due dates (if you know him, PLEASE DO NOT SAY ANYTHING TO HIM). He has moved on from that July 2011 experience and while he knew at one point we had a March 17, 2012 due date, that date would have left his brain sometime in the summer of 2011. He is not a date / numbers person to begin with and he is also REMARKABLY good at moving on and forward from impossible places. While that is great for him and for us as a couple, it does mean I am feeling quite alone today.
I've stopped playing the what if game as much as I used to. But today a "what if" just went flying through my head as I type this. What if that summer had brought us a baby. And then the imagine goes crazy with all the cool things that would have happened over the last 20 months.
I leave you with a BEAUTIFUL video:
This couple, who is beautiful and almost certainly famous, talks about their 6 year battle with infertility. Around 6 minutes, he makes some awesome statements about feeling ashamed and then around 7:15 she talks beautiful things. They ended up using donor eggs, so this video is near and dear to my heart. It had me in tears for joy and also FEAR. What if this NEVER works for me. We did donor egg once and look what happened - complete disaster. OH SHIT what if this never works.
Lining check on Tuesday.
Lining check on Tuesday.
I keep hoping that you'll have the dream baby. I really think that this cycle will work for you. Fingers crossed.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine that I would be able to talk about due dates with my husband either. He wouldn't understand and/or would just dismiss it.
ReplyDeletePositive thoughts going into your next donor egg cycle!
I hope April 7th is the last of your "might have been" due dates and from then on it is only due dates with babies!!!! I think we all have the what if this never happens thoughts....and we keep trucking, it will get you there, I am sure of it - and SOON already! Come on wonder donor!!!
ReplyDeleteMen,... they complete us and yet,.. they are so difficult to deal with at times! I am hoping that you have the best here on out
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