Saturday, April 6, 2013
The roller coaster of IVF
I woke up this morning, terrified and convinced this didn't work. I don't have any "symptoms." What tiny bit of logic is left is yelling "it's too early" but the IFer in me is not hearing that.
Friday, April 5, 2013
And I thought I'd get work done - HA - 3dp5dt
I suppose one of my embryos is actually a 6dt, so I am both 3dp5dt and 3dp6dt. Either way, I am back at work for the first day and I am not accomplishing ANYTHING.
I expected to come in and pour myself into my work. Instead, I am thinking about things. The slight cramping that I'm having on and off. I know it could be the progesterone, but I just don't think it is.
The intense thirst I'm having.
The absolute lack of interest in any food. I am forcing myself to eat healthy foods still (yoghurt and high-protein granola for breaky, then lots of walnuts, a bit of my pineapple core, and recently a banana and an apple smothered in peanut butter). As you can tell, I'm working on my protein - protein = a vegetarian's best friend! My acupuncturist has been on me about my protein levels (even asked me to eat fish, which I politely declined) for years. I have been all over it recently and she is finally happy.
The lack of interest in food is interesting. It happened very early on in my pregnancy last summer. So I'm hoping it's a VERY early sign and not my brain creating a very early sign just to fuck with me. I was also awake a fair amount last night - another pregnancy sign I always get is insomnia - but I am quite sure my brain is again just fucking with me. But, I document these "symptoms" here for the heck of it!
Mini resolve group last night was just awesome. Our 7-9 pm meeting ran until almost 10 pm because we were all chatting and laughing. Over the last few months, we've joked about needing some special thing to wear that denotes infertility but is private and not overt. Last night, one member brough us all a write up about the pomegranate (a symbol of infertility / fertility) and then braided dark purple strings. We all put them on our right wrists and I love seeing mine today.
Back to trying-to-work. Sigh, this is going to be a LONG day.
I expected to come in and pour myself into my work. Instead, I am thinking about things. The slight cramping that I'm having on and off. I know it could be the progesterone, but I just don't think it is.
The intense thirst I'm having.
The absolute lack of interest in any food. I am forcing myself to eat healthy foods still (yoghurt and high-protein granola for breaky, then lots of walnuts, a bit of my pineapple core, and recently a banana and an apple smothered in peanut butter). As you can tell, I'm working on my protein - protein = a vegetarian's best friend! My acupuncturist has been on me about my protein levels (even asked me to eat fish, which I politely declined) for years. I have been all over it recently and she is finally happy.
The lack of interest in food is interesting. It happened very early on in my pregnancy last summer. So I'm hoping it's a VERY early sign and not my brain creating a very early sign just to fuck with me. I was also awake a fair amount last night - another pregnancy sign I always get is insomnia - but I am quite sure my brain is again just fucking with me. But, I document these "symptoms" here for the heck of it!
Mini resolve group last night was just awesome. Our 7-9 pm meeting ran until almost 10 pm because we were all chatting and laughing. Over the last few months, we've joked about needing some special thing to wear that denotes infertility but is private and not overt. Last night, one member brough us all a write up about the pomegranate (a symbol of infertility / fertility) and then braided dark purple strings. We all put them on our right wrists and I love seeing mine today.
Back to trying-to-work. Sigh, this is going to be a LONG day.
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Introducing ... my blasts!
Here they are. At the time they were frozen (back in February), one was a 4AA and the other a 5AA. This handy informational explained that rating essentially means that one was starting to hatch by freezing (the 5AA) and the other hadn't (the 4AA). By the time this photo was taken, however, they were both on their way out, as you can see. This photo was taken a bit before transfer. By transfer time, they were WELL on their way out, even almost out, so even further than this photo shows. So, by transfer time, we had two 5AA blasts!
The transfer was relatively easy. The catheter went in easier than last time (it was easy last time, but took a few minutes). But it hurt a little more this time than I remember the last two transfers hurting. Just a quick ouchie, nothing serious. I was on valium again and slept a fair amount yesterday afternoon when we got back to our hotel. And, just to update, my progesterone level was at 37.8 on Monday; they like to see anything over 20. Phew.
Out hotel was amazing. We stayed at Hotel 1000. It was expensive, but we have always figured "hell, we're spending the bank on the treatment, what's an extra bit on a hotel." We probably could find somewhere much cheaper for about $150 a night, but we wanted close to the clinic, quiet, and chose a water view this time for hubby. For $300 a night (whoa!) we had one of the nicest hotel rooms I have ever stayed in. And did we love it or what! We relaxed and giggled and talked. It was a really nice night. I'd recommend a water view in that hotel. We've also stayed at (1) Silver Cloud, (2) Pan Pacific and (3) Kimpton's Hotel Monaco. They were all nice, but this one just took the cake.
I got a little freaked out because one of the blasts was a day-6 blast. The embryologist explained that meant that on day 5, it looked like it might become a blast, so they waited. And, on day 6, it was a blast so they froze it. The other was a day-5 blast. I worried that it meant my embryo was a slow developer or that it meant doom and gloom for the cycle. I did some internet research and found an Oxford study about day-5 versus day-6 blasts. I tried to interpret it, but couldn't so I sent it to two MD friends I have made through my resolve group. They each responded, not seeing the other's response, that their reading of the study was very different: that there is NO difference between day-5 and day-6 blasts provided the same measuring units are used to determine them as blasts. That it matters more on a fresh cycle because of the woman's lining, but doesn't matter at all on a frozen cycle. I was so relieved to hear than and then fell right asleep!
We got back to the room about 4 and I fell asleep rather instantly. Hubby used the hotel's gym facilities and came back just as I was waking up at 5:30. He then went to get us some dinner at a delicious vegetarian restaurant we've gone to before: Cafe Flora. SO YUMMY! I ordered him a beer through room service and and when he got back, the beer had just arrived and we feasted in the room. Then we snuggled into bed and turned a movie on. It was about a good a night as we could have hoped for.
I'm home now, on a self-imposed bed rest. My clinic doesn't do bed rest. They told me to "just take it easy" but gave me permission even to go out for dinner last night. Their success rates are great so I can only believe that the bed rest doesn't make a lick of a difference. That said, my Portland clinic does a 2 day bed rest, so I am trained that way. Therefore, I am on my own kind of bed rest, the kind that allows me to get up for food or to wander around the garden. I might even take our dog for a slow walk in the morning! I don't go back to work until Friday and am going to enjoy lying around the house thinking about my beautiful embryos.
I feel really calm (so far) in this 2ww. I'm not sure if it's a degree of "just don't give a fuck" which is a defense mechanism. It's probably also some "been there, done that." I had, in fact, decided NOT to test early and to just wait for my beta on 4/12. But my naturopath, who is treating my natural killer cells, wants me to test early so she can test my NK cells after a pregnancy starts and make sure the numbers haven't escalated. So, I will test early on Monday, I think.
My boobs have been HUGE and full and sore for a while now from all the estrogen, so I can't take that as a symptom obviously! And I am cramping now from the procedure (and possibly from implantation). I'll just have to wait and see, but for now, I am as content as I could be with my kitty, Emma, snuggled up right next to me in bed.
The transfer was relatively easy. The catheter went in easier than last time (it was easy last time, but took a few minutes). But it hurt a little more this time than I remember the last two transfers hurting. Just a quick ouchie, nothing serious. I was on valium again and slept a fair amount yesterday afternoon when we got back to our hotel. And, just to update, my progesterone level was at 37.8 on Monday; they like to see anything over 20. Phew.
Out hotel was amazing. We stayed at Hotel 1000. It was expensive, but we have always figured "hell, we're spending the bank on the treatment, what's an extra bit on a hotel." We probably could find somewhere much cheaper for about $150 a night, but we wanted close to the clinic, quiet, and chose a water view this time for hubby. For $300 a night (whoa!) we had one of the nicest hotel rooms I have ever stayed in. And did we love it or what! We relaxed and giggled and talked. It was a really nice night. I'd recommend a water view in that hotel. We've also stayed at (1) Silver Cloud, (2) Pan Pacific and (3) Kimpton's Hotel Monaco. They were all nice, but this one just took the cake.
I got a little freaked out because one of the blasts was a day-6 blast. The embryologist explained that meant that on day 5, it looked like it might become a blast, so they waited. And, on day 6, it was a blast so they froze it. The other was a day-5 blast. I worried that it meant my embryo was a slow developer or that it meant doom and gloom for the cycle. I did some internet research and found an Oxford study about day-5 versus day-6 blasts. I tried to interpret it, but couldn't so I sent it to two MD friends I have made through my resolve group. They each responded, not seeing the other's response, that their reading of the study was very different: that there is NO difference between day-5 and day-6 blasts provided the same measuring units are used to determine them as blasts. That it matters more on a fresh cycle because of the woman's lining, but doesn't matter at all on a frozen cycle. I was so relieved to hear than and then fell right asleep!
We got back to the room about 4 and I fell asleep rather instantly. Hubby used the hotel's gym facilities and came back just as I was waking up at 5:30. He then went to get us some dinner at a delicious vegetarian restaurant we've gone to before: Cafe Flora. SO YUMMY! I ordered him a beer through room service and and when he got back, the beer had just arrived and we feasted in the room. Then we snuggled into bed and turned a movie on. It was about a good a night as we could have hoped for.
I'm home now, on a self-imposed bed rest. My clinic doesn't do bed rest. They told me to "just take it easy" but gave me permission even to go out for dinner last night. Their success rates are great so I can only believe that the bed rest doesn't make a lick of a difference. That said, my Portland clinic does a 2 day bed rest, so I am trained that way. Therefore, I am on my own kind of bed rest, the kind that allows me to get up for food or to wander around the garden. I might even take our dog for a slow walk in the morning! I don't go back to work until Friday and am going to enjoy lying around the house thinking about my beautiful embryos.
I feel really calm (so far) in this 2ww. I'm not sure if it's a degree of "just don't give a fuck" which is a defense mechanism. It's probably also some "been there, done that." I had, in fact, decided NOT to test early and to just wait for my beta on 4/12. But my naturopath, who is treating my natural killer cells, wants me to test early so she can test my NK cells after a pregnancy starts and make sure the numbers haven't escalated. So, I will test early on Monday, I think.
My boobs have been HUGE and full and sore for a while now from all the estrogen, so I can't take that as a symptom obviously! And I am cramping now from the procedure (and possibly from implantation). I'll just have to wait and see, but for now, I am as content as I could be with my kitty, Emma, snuggled up right next to me in bed.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Transfer complete!
They unfroze two. Both survived the thaw and two remain frozen. The transfer was easy. I am on valium (required by my clinic). More tomorrow when I am not so wonky and am on a computer.
They are both beautiful and perfect.
They are both beautiful and perfect.
Monday, April 1, 2013
Really flippin' excited!
I got here. To the same place I was on July 19, 2012: a place of EXCITEMENT! I am so fuckin' excited for tomorrow. I am ready. Stay tuned for news tomorrow. Thanks to you all for helping me get here. I just had acupuncture and am taking what I hope to be my last HOT bath for a while. I might even drink a beer (haven't been allowed while on those VB meds).
I am EXCITED!!!
I am EXCITED!!!
"Good luck tomorrow, darl'!"
The woman I'm trying to make a grandma came to visit this weekend. Partly, for Easter, but mainly because (1) my transfer got delayed, (2) Sky died, and (3) it was going to be in the mid- to upper-70s this weekend. I needed her here, and I don't think she remembers the last time I told her I needed her. She found a mileage ticket and arrived Thursday night. We walked our other dog every morning bright and early and stopped to get (decaf for me) lattes. We made meals and saw our friends. My mum and I took a bike ride on Friday. We got very small sun tans on our arms and faces. We slept well. We watched movies and basketball in the evenings after the sun set. We bbq'd. We ate chocolate on Easter and babysat good friends' 4 year old yesterday. We gardened and gardened and gardened. Between me, her and hubby, we collectively put in 40+ hours in the garden. Our gardens look amazing and - almost as importantly - my mind was completely off the transfer. It was quite possibly THE. BEST. LONG. weekend I've had in a very very very long time.
It wasn't until I dropped her at the airport this morning and she said ...
"good luck tomorrow, darl'" that I really focused on it.
Tomorrow.
My transfer. Of two of our currently frozen four beautiful, perfect embryos.
Tomorrow starts a long-ass 10 day wait until my first beta. Tomorrow starts what I HOPE SO MUCH will be a long 9 month wait. Just as easily, but not as likely, it starts the beginning of bad news.
I am focusing on there absolutely FANTASTIC statistics (approximately 70% for a singleton). I need to ignore - as best I can - what has happened to me over the past 3 1/4 years and last donor egg bank cycle. This is a brand new situation, with a brand new donor and a LOT of new stuff going on in my body - my B12 levels are GOOD, my vitamin D levels are GOOD, I'm on mthfr-friendly folic acid and pre-natals, I've had the natural killer cells IV recently and I just had my progesterone checked to make sure it's ok (results later today). My boobs are SO FULL and tender (so I can't use that as a pregnancy symptom) from all the estrogen. My body seems ready. Tomorrow, we'll hear what my lining got to with the 6-by-tomorrow progesterone shots.
Tomorrow it is. We're leaving for Seattle around 10 tomorrow. Take my clinic-prescribed valium (they order that for transfers) at 1:30, check-in at the clinic at 2, and a transfer at 2:30. Then to our hotel for a night where I'll sleep off the valium and my hubby will explore Seattle and get us some healthy dinner. Then home on Wednesday for two days of self-prescribed bed rest (this clinic does not require it but my other clinic did, so I am trained to do a bed rest). I won't actually be on bed rest as much as staying quiet. So I'll wander around our beautiful garden with our dog and smell the fragrances. A few friends have offered to come over and a friend I met through resolve is coming over to do a relaxation session (she is Alexander Technique trained).
I got this!
It wasn't until I dropped her at the airport this morning and she said ...
"good luck tomorrow, darl'" that I really focused on it.
Tomorrow.
My transfer. Of two of our currently frozen four beautiful, perfect embryos.
Tomorrow starts a long-ass 10 day wait until my first beta. Tomorrow starts what I HOPE SO MUCH will be a long 9 month wait. Just as easily, but not as likely, it starts the beginning of bad news.
I am focusing on there absolutely FANTASTIC statistics (approximately 70% for a singleton). I need to ignore - as best I can - what has happened to me over the past 3 1/4 years and last donor egg bank cycle. This is a brand new situation, with a brand new donor and a LOT of new stuff going on in my body - my B12 levels are GOOD, my vitamin D levels are GOOD, I'm on mthfr-friendly folic acid and pre-natals, I've had the natural killer cells IV recently and I just had my progesterone checked to make sure it's ok (results later today). My boobs are SO FULL and tender (so I can't use that as a pregnancy symptom) from all the estrogen. My body seems ready. Tomorrow, we'll hear what my lining got to with the 6-by-tomorrow progesterone shots.
Tomorrow it is. We're leaving for Seattle around 10 tomorrow. Take my clinic-prescribed valium (they order that for transfers) at 1:30, check-in at the clinic at 2, and a transfer at 2:30. Then to our hotel for a night where I'll sleep off the valium and my hubby will explore Seattle and get us some healthy dinner. Then home on Wednesday for two days of self-prescribed bed rest (this clinic does not require it but my other clinic did, so I am trained to do a bed rest). I won't actually be on bed rest as much as staying quiet. So I'll wander around our beautiful garden with our dog and smell the fragrances. A few friends have offered to come over and a friend I met through resolve is coming over to do a relaxation session (she is Alexander Technique trained).
I got this!
Thursday, March 28, 2013
$39 thousand and significant change
Just did our taxes. That's how much we spend on infertility in 2012 alone. Holy. Shit. Here's to hoping for a tax CREDIT in 2013.
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