"I just want you back, happy"

That's what my darling husband said to me last night, just before our vet showed up at the house and we put one of our two beautiful dogs down. He said "I've had enough sadness, I just want you back, happy."

Two months before we started TTC, we put one of our cats down. That was November 2009. Since and including then, we have lost three pets (two cats and a dog) and five pregnancies. That is just too much loss. Yesterday I said to a friend "when does life get easier?" He said "don't ask 'when,' just know that it will." Another friend sent me "what the caterpillar calls the end, the rest of the world calls a butterfly." Still, today I sit here, a one-dog family with no children.

The past three years have made hubby and me quite sure of the kind of parents be and the parenting style we will use. We will use a nursery from around age 6 months. That nursery is currently our office and, until last night, our two dogs have slept in there. My dream, which was crushed last night, was that the dogs would sleep in the nursery, keeping the baby safe. My other dog, who is old but healthy, may sleep in there, but who knows what life will bring. We could pass to a no-dog family and the office could stay just that: an office.

I feel broken today. The delay from my lining check on Tuesday seems tiny in comparison to the loss I am feeling today. Sky, my beloved dog, was with me for 9 years. She was a rescue, and came out of a criminal abuse and neglect case. She was so timid at first, literally scared of her own shadow. One of the first times I had her off leash, a crow cawed from the tree and she bolted to home. She managed to cross a very busy street and it was at that moment, almost 9 years ago, that I realized I had a very street smart, savvy dog. I stopped using a leash ever with her about 8 years ago. She stopped and sat at every crossing and waited for me to say "cross." We'd walk to get coffee, and she was "that dog" who sat outside, off leash, waiting patiently. I didn't know, until we got our other dog two years ago, just how much she would benefit from an old and very mothering and stable dog. Sky flourished under my other dog's companionship. It was a beautiful thing to watch and in a way, I am glad Sky went first. I don't know that she could have gone back to a dog on her own. She mimicked my other dog and watched her approach "scary" situations (like a friend who came into the house). When death did not become my other dog, Sky would monkey her and approach to say hello. She learned so much.

Sky went into the shelter as a nameless dog. She was named "Sky" because she was so shy. She took to that name immediately and by the time I met her, she knew it. She figured out being potty trained in a day and had a memory like an elephant (by that, I mean she'd remember where she hid toys or where gross things to eat outside were!).

Being so timid, everyone absolutely loved her. Friends saw it as a quest to get Sky to accept them and when she did, by licking them or sitting with them, I could see the pride and heart swell in them.

From Sky, I have learned to be brave, no matter what. Every day, Sky took on the big scary world. She could have been angry and aggressive, a danger. Instead, every morning she woke up so happy to be alive, taking on the world with peacefully. Every night, she slept soundly, knowing she was safe. She trusted me implicitly. On walks, she'd often look back to make sure I was still behind her, and once inside, she always knew where I was.

She came to me before my hubby. She took to him but was always my dog. I miss her so much today and will remember her forever. Our house is so quiet today. Rest in peace, Sky dog, aka Sky the Wonder Dog, aka Sky Dog, aka Sweetpea, Pumpernickle Bread, Angel Face, Pumpkin, Sweetie.