Monday, April 4, 2016

It has been a LOOOOONG time

And I am sorry for that. I have struggled with blogging for a number of reasons. The first is time. The second, however, is that I just don't know what to blog about. I started blogging back when I was in the thick of infertility. Now I have three amazing daughters *** and am back at work 3 days a week. I am beyond exhausted most days and crash out after the girls all go to bed, I walk the dog, eat dinner and clean up the house in preparation for the next day of mess making. We have the same nanny with the girls and she is rockin' it.

I think about you all regularly. I check blogs. And I am the local Resolve co-host so I am definitely still connected to and working against infertility. But I just don't have a lot to say right now.

*** My third and final baby was born in June 2015 and she is PERFECT. She was a scheduled C-section and I didn't have a single contraction before she came out at 39 weeks gestation. She was HUGE (especially compared to my twins), born at 9 pounds 4 ounces (my twins were big for twins but small in comparison - 6 pounds 4 ounces and 5 pounds 9 ounces). She came out screaming and was on me, naked, and nursing while they sewed me back up. It was absolutely amazing.

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

I've been away

Life has been crazy the past few months. My kiddos turned one in November. We found a new home to buy in December. Then the holidays. Then we moved into our new home in early February and listed our old, tiny home in late February. It sold in a day. Then I defended a murder trial in March. Then we started a bathroom addition project in our new home. And now, all of a sudden, I am 37 weeks pregnant with the baby coming on June 2 (scheduled c-section date). Life has been nuts and I am quasi unsure of how it's the middle / end of May already! Time has flown by.

My kiddos are walking and growing and learning and are simply amazing. They are my sun and moon and stars. And that last part is causing me some anxiety. I am about to introduce someone new. Someone I don't wholly love yet as I haven't met her. Someone who - from my current perspective - is going to take me away from my sun and my moon and my stars. Someone who is going to let me spend less time with my beloved toddlers who make my heart sing.

I know I am not the first mom to go through this, but I think part of the difference for me is that we were not seeking out this pregnancy. I suspect many moms feel this way but also feel like it's important to give their first child a sibling. My first child has a sibling already. So I don't get to calm my anxieties with the idea that "she needs a sibling so this is a good thing." I am also anxious about the idea of newborn nights again. Granted, it *should* not be as crazy as it was with newborn twins, but I have no idea what a FULL TERM (!!!) singleton newborn is like so I am reverting to what my month early twins were like. Gulp.

We got a minivan to accomodate a third carseat! After driving stick shift and only stick shift since age 17 (I turn 38 this summer), I now drive my first automatic car ... and it's a minivan to boot!

Don't get me wrong. I am incredibly grateful for this pregnancy. It has been easy and healthy (hell, I defended a two week murder trial at 7 1/2 months pregnant and had no complications!) and I feel great. I am incredibly grateful to have our family growing in a fantastic way. And the girls will all be within 18 1/2 months of each other, making it so fun to watch them grow up together.

But I am still anxious.

And then, of course, there is the IF ptsd that makes me fearful that something bad will happen - that the other shoe will drop - sometime between now and June 2.

Thanks for putting up with the fact that I haven't blogged in 6 months. xo

Thursday, November 20, 2014

My babies turned ONE!

I find it so hard to say ... that my babies are ONE YEAR OLD. It snuck up on me, despite being home with them for the first 9 1/2 months of that time. Suddenly, my babies are no longer ___ months old ... they've entered the ____ YEARS old phase.

They are amazing. I look at them daily and am in awe of them. Their curiosity, their giggles, the interest, their love. Sometimes I stare at them on the baby monitor while they sleep - so sweet and perfect. My babies. They're ONE.

Friday, October 31, 2014

I want to be your mom

Months ago, Katie Couric apparently did a piece on donor egg (I did not see it and have not seen it). She had a couple on the show whose family was made complete by the use of donor eggs. She had the donor on to meet the family ... and (as I understand it), called the donor the "mom."

This raised quite a stink in the donor community. I had no idea about her show or the stink until I read a fellow bloggers post about it and then talked to her in real life about it (she is a friend of mine here). Turns out we were on totally opposite sides of it: she believes the donor is some sort of "mom" and I firmly believe the donor is just that, a donor. I find myself indebted to our donor, but no more than if she had given me a kidney do I feel like she is a part of my life or my family more than the cells that she gave so I could grow a couple of babies.

Without realizing it, I have been ruminating on this for a while. It has been turning over in the back of my mind. I haven't been able to rectify one issue (an issue that my bloggie friend brought up): if I am the mom because I grew the babies, then who is the mom in a surrogate situation? I have a friend who used two separate surrogates to bring her two sons home and there is no doubt in my mind that my FRIEND is the MOM and the surrogates were just vessels who helped her get her sons home (her sons are her DNA). But ... if I believe that I am my babies' mom because I grew them, then how too do I think my friend is their mom because they are her eggs grown in someone else (my situation exactly, kind of)???

Fast forward. A friend's husband was adopted and just found his birth mother in July of this year. She found him, actually, and they met this week. There was great joy in their household as he met his birthmother for the first time (he never actually met her at his birth because she didn't want to see or hold him so he was taken straight away). Some of us had questions about his relationship with his adoptive parents and whether the birthmother in the picture would change that at all. NO, was my friend's answer. Her husband's parents are his parents, and his birthmother appearing does not change that. He loves his parents and always will. He will never run away from them to connect with his birth family. But he is glad to know his genetics and to have a medical history.

Early early this morning as my brain was turning as it only can at 4:30 in the morning in the dark with the peaceful rain on the roof I made this decision: your mom is who WANTS to be your mom.

Being a mom is a title earned. It is a privilege. It is an honor. And it has to be something that one wants. This realization, this decision made things clear.

In my friend-who-used-surrogates situation: <SHE> is the mom because <SHE> wants to be the mom
In my situation: <I> am the mom because <I> want to be
In my friend-whose-husband-is-adopted situation: his mom is his mom and his birth mom might join and earn that role (and it sounds like she wants it and has always wanted it but for a very different situation back in the 70s) but that remains to be seen - but it is possible to have two moms!

It all made sense to me. It took away fears and concerns and doubt. All of which stem from that initial stupid conversation about whether I am or the donor is my babies' mom. Seems clear to me now that <I> am their mom, no questions asked.

The end.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

There. Is. A. HEARTBEAT!

The surprise of the day is that there is a heartbeat! I'm 7 weeks today and there was ... is ... a strong heartbeat of 148 bpm!

They wanted to do a vag cam ultrasound but I politely declined. I got enough out of today to see the heartbeat. Fetus ... baby?? ... is measuring around 6w5-6w6, but she wanted to do the vag cam because the belly ultrasound this early on isn't accurate. Sorry, I don't need more. I saw enough.




Friday, October 17, 2014


Wednesday's experience really shook me. I hadn't expected that low a number and it made me really upset. I was "100% sure this is over" is a text I sent to Million and Tonisha. I was sure it was over. I had cramping that felt like Braxton Hicks and that left me hunched over as I walked. I felt like my uterus was falling out. And then the number. A doubling time from Monday's beta of 312 hours. OH. MY. GOD. That can't be good. I was "100% sure" it was over.

Thursday, while sitting in my office, it dawned on me that I could know more if I got a 3rd beta from the clinic that drew my blood on Friday and then Monday. Same lab, so the number would be accurate as compared to the other betas. I called the advice nurse, explained the cramping (did not mention the other beta!) and that I was "100% sure" it was over.

I was told I could come in for a beta. They'd be happy to have me come in, in fact. I happened to have driven that day so I jumped in my car and sped off to the clinic.

A "short" two hours later, I got the call: 20,896. As compared to Monday's beta, that is a doubling time of 82 hours. And that doubling time is dead on where it needs to be for a beta over 6,000.

The nurse - whom I got to know very well over the course of my twin pregnancy - told me she even ran it past the doc and he was pleased with the number. She said "you're not out of the woods yet, but things are looking good." (I am trying not to read anything into the "you're not out of the woods" part. Uggg.)

I went from feeling exhausted from being "100% sure this is over" to being exhausted from still being pregnant.

The beta I was meant to have today? Million convinced me not to go. She was right. It would give me no further information. Instead, around the time the beta was scheduled for (8:45am), I had a terrible 20 second bout of nausea.

I'll take that as a sign that - FOR NOW - I remain pregnant.

OB is giving me an early ultrasound ... that is set for Tuesday. Stay tuned.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014



Not looking good. That's a doubling time of 312 hours. Uh oh.

I will add that my OB said "things look good" (she sent that message through the nurse who called me). I think she is just trying to protect me. I called asking for an early ultrasound.

Final beta on Friday.