Wednesday, May 20, 2015

I've been away

Life has been crazy the past few months. My kiddos turned one in November. We found a new home to buy in December. Then the holidays. Then we moved into our new home in early February and listed our old, tiny home in late February. It sold in a day. Then I defended a murder trial in March. Then we started a bathroom addition project in our new home. And now, all of a sudden, I am 37 weeks pregnant with the baby coming on June 2 (scheduled c-section date). Life has been nuts and I am quasi unsure of how it's the middle / end of May already! Time has flown by.

My kiddos are walking and growing and learning and are simply amazing. They are my sun and moon and stars. And that last part is causing me some anxiety. I am about to introduce someone new. Someone I don't wholly love yet as I haven't met her. Someone who - from my current perspective - is going to take me away from my sun and my moon and my stars. Someone who is going to let me spend less time with my beloved toddlers who make my heart sing.

I know I am not the first mom to go through this, but I think part of the difference for me is that we were not seeking out this pregnancy. I suspect many moms feel this way but also feel like it's important to give their first child a sibling. My first child has a sibling already. So I don't get to calm my anxieties with the idea that "she needs a sibling so this is a good thing." I am also anxious about the idea of newborn nights again. Granted, it *should* not be as crazy as it was with newborn twins, but I have no idea what a FULL TERM (!!!) singleton newborn is like so I am reverting to what my month early twins were like. Gulp.

We got a minivan to accomodate a third carseat! After driving stick shift and only stick shift since age 17 (I turn 38 this summer), I now drive my first automatic car ... and it's a minivan to boot!

Don't get me wrong. I am incredibly grateful for this pregnancy. It has been easy and healthy (hell, I defended a two week murder trial at 7 1/2 months pregnant and had no complications!) and I feel great. I am incredibly grateful to have our family growing in a fantastic way. And the girls will all be within 18 1/2 months of each other, making it so fun to watch them grow up together.

But I am still anxious.

And then, of course, there is the IF ptsd that makes me fearful that something bad will happen - that the other shoe will drop - sometime between now and June 2.

Thanks for putting up with the fact that I haven't blogged in 6 months. xo