The unexpected 4th option (ultrasound, 6w5d)

Hubby and I walked into the ultrasound this morning and I said "we've got three options: 0 in there, 1 in there, 2 in there still." He looked at me like I was insane for pointing out the obvious. Then I said, "I suppose there's a 4th option, and things are delayed and we have to come back." We talked that fourth option out a bit and then tossed it aside because it didn't much sense.

Never in a million years did we expect the fourth option we did get.

You'll remember that we had 2 in there just 10 days ago: baby A and baby B.

Sadly, baby A had no heartbeat today.

But there are still two in there.

That's right, baby B split, and we now have B1 and B2.

All three (including A) measured 6w4d. The Bs had heartbeats of 113 and 123 bpm.

I'm not going to lie. I am freaked out beyond belief. One has died already, making me wonder if my body is killing off these pregnancies like it has in the past. Will I lose 3 this time, just 2 or just the 1? Will I get a take-home baby out of this? I felt somewhat confident last week that we would - now my confidence is shaken.

I am also freaked out about the idea of identical twins. I know two women who went through Twin on Twin Transfusion Syndrome (read here). It's very scary. One friend wasn't diagnosed in time and while she gave birth to two girls, one was severely disabled and died at 18 months old (the other little girl is perfect). The other friend was diagnosed early and underwent a surgery that worked (it can trigger pre-term labor). She has two beautiful girls who are almost 2 years old.

I know I'm getting ahead of myself. That by next Monday (my next ultrasound), this could all be over. Or there could only be one in there still.

That all said, I have also come to realize that this (so far) is the best possible outcome for today. If we'd gone in and baby A had died but only baby B was left, I would be terrified that my body was killing pregnancies and B would be dead soon. I would be close to certifiable by now.

If we'd gone in and all three were beating happily away, we would have had to think about selective reduction (that was the first thing that went through my head when she announced there was a split - we have to terminate one, we can't have triplets - too dangerous and too great a risk of losing all three). So fortunately that is not a decision we have to make.

And, while identical twins are scary (TTTS) and it might have been more ideal to see a dead identical twin and then the other B plus A still beating, that isn't an option. That's not our journey.

So, other than shock for the rarity of a split embryo, plus the sadness for losing baby A, plus the fear of what's to come next, I think this is about as good an outcome as possible.

We go back next Monday at 11:30 for another u/s - to check on B1 and B2 and to confirm that A is in fact done / dead / disappearing.

 

Didn't see this twist coming.

 

Here they are (sadly, no picture of the two of them in the same sac - they do share a sac, though - "nice and cozy" as my mum said): **

 

B1 crown rump length (CRL) (named A on this, but I like B1 better):

 

B1 heartbeat (113 bmp):

B2 CRL:

B2 heartbeat (123 bmp):

 

** the pics all say I am 6w6d, but that is wrong. I am actually only 6w5d.

Getting into a group just to get out of it

When I started blogging some 27 months ago, I felt very alone. At that point, I only knew of one friend who went through infertility. She got pregnant on her first IVF and now has twins. I started blogging so I could meet other women who were struggling. I wanted to help them and have them help me. I didn't want to feel so alone anymore.

Over the next 20 months, I blogging became my community. A few of those women became close friends (even though I've never met most of them in person).  Still, though, I felt entirely alone in my struggles on a daily basis.

Then, post September's miscarriage, I dragged myself (quite literally) to the local resolve group. Overnight, my world opened up. I met strong, beautiful, smart, independent women who were all struggling with IF, too. They became friends, but unlike my bloggy friends, they are right here and I see them regularly. Four of us started a small "mini resolve" group and decided to meet one other time in the month. That small group has grown now to 13 women and we revolve the meetings around our homes. We laugh SO much at these meetings and share so much. We help each other.

I also have become active in a Facebook group that one of my bloggy friends developed. Again, another group of women to lend me regular support. And then there's the amazing yoga for fertility class I've been attending (with the same mini resolve women) since December.

All of this has been amazing ... until now. Now that I am hopefully crossing over into the world of pregnant / maintaining a pregnancy / mommy, I am again feeling rather alone. There isn't a real life group for "pregnancy after infertility." There isn't anyone I can really talk to about the absolute terror that runs through my heart and mind on a regular basis. Sure, I could show up at a pre-natal yoga class, but I would fit in there about as well as if I showed up with my pet donkey (I don't actually have a pet donkey). For many women who have not experienced infertility, peeing on a stick means taking home a baby. If I showed up now, at 6 weeks pregnant, I would be terrified of moving too quickly or saying "I'm pregnant" aloud for fear the pregnancy gods would shoot fire arrows into my uterus, killing everything in sight.

I am back to feeling kind of alone. Two women I know from resolve who are now each 5 months pregnant suggested we start a "pregnancy after infertility" support group. I love that idea, but as I told them, I am not ready to be there. I haven't graduated from infertility yet (hell, I may never) and by the time I get there, they'll need an "impending child birth" support group!

The amazing IRL women who attend yoga and resolve are so supportive. I am still going to those activities and they are so excited for me, just as I have been excited for past resolve members who have crossed over. But still, it is not a totally appropriate place to share. To someone not pregnant, hearing a pregnant woman express fear of what might go wrong will make intellectual sense. But the non-pregnant woman would do anything to be pregnant, facing those fears. And then there's always the risk of hurting someone. At last week's big resolve group, there were two new women, each of whom has been fighting IF for 5 years. I'd never met them before and I chose not to mention that I'm pregnant. I could have told them "I've been through 3 1/2 years of this shit, with 3 chemicals, an ectopic, a failed IVF and a 9 week miscarriage" but I fear they would still only hear "I'm pregnant." They don't know me from Arthur and to the, I would just be "that pregnant woman."

Those of us who join these kinds of support groups join with the hopes and dreams of unjoining. Of getting out. And that is sad. These women have become my support and I theirs. But at the heart of it, we are all hoping that "this month's meeting will be my last." That is a sad realization.

So, too, is the realization that I am back to feeling very alone. And terrified.

Ultrasound on April 30.

5w1d ultrasound report

I don't even know where to start typing. We are over the moon happy and excited. I am in love. We saw two gestational sacs today and, unexpectedly (because it's so early), we saw two fetuses. As of today, 5w1d pregnant, we are having twins.

They are both measuring slightly ahead of schedule, with measurements of either 5w4d or 5w5d.

We have been here before. They diagnosed my ectopic at 5w2d in July 2011 and we got to 9w2d last summer before learning our bean no longer had a heartbeat. We both know there is a lot of territory, chartered and unchartered, ahead of us. But, today, 5w1d and April 19, 2013, we are having twins.

Without further ado, here are the ultraound pictures:

Baby A, the "crown rump length" (aka the fetus) - measuring at 5w5d

Baby A, gestational sac (also 5w5d)

Baby B, crown rump length (5w5d)

Baby B, gestational sac (5w4d)

And, with Baby B looking like a ghost from the old school game Pac Man, Baby A and Baby B!

5 weeks today

I am 5 weeks pregnant today. Most fertile women don't even know they're pregnant at this point, or are just finding out because their period is a little late. I, on the other hand, have known - and worried - about my pregnancy for almost 2 weeks already.

Today also marks the half way point (I hope) of my shots. I am set to stop them, provided things continue to go well, at the 10 week mark - May 23. While these shots are really getting tough and my body is hurting from them, I really really really hope I get to continue for another 5 weeks. There would be no silver lining or positive emotions about being told I "get" to finish the shots early. That would mean another dead pregnancy and I do not want that.

Last weekend, I had a huge lump on my left hip. I called into my clinic and heard from the nurse on call. She thought it was probably the medication that got stuck in my muscle and didn't move through. The hard lump (about the size of a 4 year old's fist) was hot but not red (that made the nurse happy). In the event that it got red, she suggested I take a permanent marker and draw around it to make sure the redness is not spreading. She then suggested (and this has been tough) that I avoid the left side for a while and do all my shots on my right side. <swallow hard> Finally, she suggested I put heat on the lump and massage it to try to move the medication through. Essentially, I have mastitis. Fortunately, almost a week later, the tips she gave me have worked. I've also been heating the right side to make sure that side doesn't blow up from taking all shots (including two IM shots on Sunday and Wednesday). So far, the right side is being a champ and is holding up.

My ultrasound is tomorrow. I am very hopeful, given my symptoms, for good news. As other bloggers have said "one more sleep 'til ultrasound."

Exhausted

I'm only 5 weeks tomorrow and already - unlike my last two non-chemical pregnancies - I am EXHAUSTED. I have taken a nap every day after work. I get home from walking the dogs (we have a foster dog currently) and literally climb into bed. It isn't long before I drift off for a nap which is usually disturbed by a phone call. I'm not sure how long I'd sleep if undisturbed, but it's probably good that I don't get to sleep for hours just to try to go to bed at a regular hour.

The insomnia has subsided a bit. I was awake last night at 1:30 and got up to pee. But I was able to get back to sleep, woke up at 6:15, and then got back into bed after letting the dogs pee. I fell back asleep until 7.

I am loving this exhaustion, as much as it's making being at work very difficult. It's a pregnancy symptom and I LOVE IT.

I'm also crampy still and, as of about 4 days ago, perpetually hungry. That seems to have gone for today, but yesterday I think I had a full meal every 4 or 5 hours. I had a huge slice of butternut squash lasagna for dinner before heading to my resolve meeting. That was at 6:30. By the time I got home at 9:30, I was so hungry I had to make a piece of peanut butter smothered toast.

That's another thing. I am eating SO MUCH PEANUT BUTTER. I have an apple smothered in it every day, sometimes twice a day. I'm chowing greek yoghurt and a protein rich granola for breakfast, pumpkin seeds and walnuts as a snack, and then at least a banana or two a day. If there are two in there, I need to keep the protein intake really high to keep them healthy. I added a protein shake to my breakfast regiment this week, too.

That's about it for my update. I hope these symptoms continue and get even stronger.

13dp5dt

Beta: 1297 (a doubling time of just under 48 hours)
P4: 51.9

Things are looking like double trouble still! Ultrasound on Friday, then another on April 30.

10dp5dt beta

Official beta that was scheduled the day of the transfer was today.

HCG = 443 (different lab than yesterday so not comparable)
Progesterone = 46.9

YEAH!

Beta doubled

After a rather stressful day, I learned that my beta exactly doubled in less than 48 hours. The first beta - 168 - was at noon. The second - 336 - was at 9am.

Why was it stressful? It was self-induced, but here goes:

I got a call from my naturopath at 8:30 saying "I got your results [natural killer cell test] and talked to Dr. Coulam in Chicago. You need to come in for an IV."

How does an infertile who is scared her body is going to eat her pregnancy hear that? "YOUR LEVELS HAVE SPIKED, GET IN HERE NOW." I email her back "is it safe to wait 2 hours until my 10:45 appointment or should I come now?" I then go in for my blood test that is a STAT test.

I don't hear back, I go to the jail to visit a client, and then I head to my naturopath. Called the OB's office on the way to see if I could get the beta results to tell my ND. Results not back yet. It had been 90 minutes, so I was surprised.

Walk into my ND's office and I say "how bad is it?" She said "what? Your levels are suppressed. The treatment is working." Cue tears and a break down. I explain how I had understood her message (I don't think I was way out of line). She gives me a big hug and apologizes. Tells me I taught her a good lesson in communicating very clearly.

They take my blood pressure. It's through the roof. An hour later, after the IV, it's back to it's normal 120/70.

I leave. Call the lab. Still nothing. They call me at 1pm to tell me "we're checking regularly for the results and will call you." I worry the sample got lost. I can't concentrate at work at all.

Call comes in at 4:30. My levels have doubled in less than 48 hours. I am estatic. Cue tears on the phone to my OB's office and a "I'm really pregnant" cry from me.

Symptoms are BACK in full swing. Boobs are tender, bloating is here, cramping is like nothing before, food aversion is best friends with hunger, and the insomnia ... my god the insomnia ... last night I got into bed at 7, napped from 7:40 until about 8:20, then was back asleep by 9:15. I was then awake from 1:15 until 4:30, when I fell asleep until the alarm woke me at 6:20. One of my kitty's is my couch kitty now and shephards me through the insomnia by snuggling like it's her one and only job in life.

I'm loving it all. I've had two very mild bouts of nausea but nothing else ... yet.

Hoping I don't jinx anything here, but I think there might be TWO in there.

Official beta - which I was reluctant to do because my arms are so needled up from two betas, a NK cell blood draw and an IV - was this morning. Official RE results in a few hours. This is gonna be a big one! Today I am 10dp5dt.

I am still chowing the protein as much as I can. Breakfast is greek yoghurt and granola and a banana, lunch has been an apple smothered in peanut butter, snacks are almonds and pumpkin seeds, and dinner is whatever I can manage to eat (last night it was literally three bites of my hubby's pad thai take out). I did eat throughout the insomnia bout so I got a lot of protein and fiber last night.

I am so in love.

7dp5dt and a real FREAK OUT

Almost ALL of my symptoms are GONE today.

The day started out well with this:

And, to make myself feel better (because the FRER test is a 25 test and the Clear Blue digital is a 50 test), then this:

Things are looking good, except for the giant elephant in the room. ALL MY SYMPTOMS ARE GONE. You remember the post from YESTERDAY when I was a SYMPTOM MACHINE. Insomnia, exhaustion, food aversion, cramps, bloating, and tender boobs.

Well, today, for the ENTIRE DAY, I have had cramps and only cramps (and some bloating). The biggest fear trigger is that my boobs feel FINE. I feel like I could get punched in the boob and be fine. So that freaked me out.

And I caved. After my naturopath seemed concerned the symptoms are all gone (I saw her this morning for my natural killer cell test) and the advice nurse at my OB's office sounded concerned, I asked for a beta. I went into my OB's office around noon and had blood drawn.

My beta, for 7dp5dt is, well, FUCKING HIGH.

I hope things keep going well and that it doubles by Thursday. Because at least at some point in the not so distant past, there were TWO IN THERE.

Today's beta was 168.

To put it into perspective, my beta on a singletone last summer at 10dp5dt was only 172 (or something like that).

Please keep your fingers and toes crossed for me. And I will remain hopeful that (1) things are going well and (2) that I feel sick again tomorrow for peace of mind.

6dp5dt and some real symptoms

Today I'm 6dp5dt. Last summer, other than cramping, I had no real symptoms until well after my beta. This time, though, the symptoms are hard core.

My food aversion is on. Today I have eaten yoghurt with granola and a banana for breakfast at 7:30, some walnuts around 8:45 and just had an apple with peanut butter for lunch (noon). Despite eating that and only that, I feel like I had a giant spaghetti meal of carbs followed by dessert. I even passed up a bowl of candy earlier. This is serious.

My insomnia is also on. I didn't expect it so I can't think it's my mind fucking with me. I was exhausted all day yesterday but dragged myself to yoga (but then sat out most of the poses despite it being a "yoga for fertility" class taught by a mom through donor egg because I was too scared I'd jiggle something loose). I got home, forced myself to eat some lentil soup I made before leaving, and then crashed at 9:15. Still, I was wide wide wide stinkin' awake from about 1:15 until after 3. I tried everything to get back to sleep but I felt jetlagged - there was no way, without the use of a sleep aid which I didn't want to use, that I was getting back to sleep.

My boobs are still enormous, but they've been that way since I started the massive amounts of estrogen. They are rather tender.

My eyes are burning with exhaustion and no amount of water helps (they're not dry). Only closing them does, which is impossible as I sit at in my office!

I am also having mild and constant cramping. I am telling myself "your uterus is growing" and avoiding the "am I miscarrying?" worry.

I am trying - rather successfully, if I do say so myself - to stay in the moment. I am not figuring out how to manipulate an early beta (trust me, it would be easy - I am seeing my naturopath tomorrow and if I called my OB up and asked for on, she'd give me one no doubt). I am occasionally thinking about Friday but more often, just thinking about the here and now.

I am hopeful.

I am loving these symptoms. I hope they continue. I hope I get nauseus and constipated. I want it all.

I sent a picture of my hpts to my Seattle nurse and she responded immediately "thank you for making me smile on Monday morning" and then also asked "are you going to test every day until Friday? Tell me if not, otherwise I'll worry about you." Very cute! I'll have to remember to update her with an email or a photo so she isn't worrying.

Without further ado, my test from this morning at 7am compared to yesterday's at 10am:

There's a second line

Oh. My. God. There is a second line.

I was sitting at work, typing, feeling some pulling and tweaking. Exactly like what I felt last summer when I was pregnant. I took out the single pee stick I have and I used it, hoping for good news.

And a second line popped up immediately.

It's much darker in real life than my stupid phone (which lightens the whole thing as it focuses) will lead you to believe. This line is not the sister of or even the cousin of a squinter line. They're barely related. This line is a real life, honest to goodness, second line.

Holy shit.

Million appropriately laughed at me that I peed on the stick a matter of hours after posting that I would not test today. HA!

When I told hubby, he said "of course you are. You've been CRAZY lately." Well, I might have cried uncontrollably and for no apparent reason about a half a dozen times yesterday. So there's that.

Am hoping hoping hoping that I get to do 6+ more weeks of these terrible shots and then another 8 1/2 months of being pregnant.

April 7, 2013

Today is my due date. Had things not gone so terribly wrong on September 4, I would be a brand new mom / almost a mom on today. I fell in love with this date last summer.

Today I am also 5dp5dt. Last pregnancy, I got my first bfp today. This time, I am too scared to test today.

Why? For a couple of reasons. (1) I'm an IDIOT and tested on 3dp5dt. Stupid, I know. WAY TOO EARLY, I know. But when it was negative, it sent my head into a tailspin. I have recovered from that in that I'm not in a funk anymore, but I am still convinced that this cycle is a bust. (2) I am terrified of what a(nother) bfn will do to my head today. It's already a sad day for me. I cried a lot about it yesterday and reminded hubby of what tomorrow should have / could have been. Today, I am quiet, not sad as much as baseline. If my moods are a heartbeat monitor, I am flat flat flat today. (3) It might be positive. I'm not sure why that's a reason to not test, but it seems like one.

We got an invite in the mail yesterday to my niece's first birthday party - at the end of April. That means my SiL and BiL who easily conceived her (on the first try) will be gearing up to make number two. And, of course, you all know my sister is somewhere on the verge of starting to TTC. This could be deja vu from last year when family members are popping out babies and I'm sitting around just watching. I am hoping hoping hoping that's not the case. Please, oh please let this cycle work for us.

The roller coaster of IVF

I woke up this morning, terrified and convinced this didn't work. I don't have any "symptoms." What tiny bit of logic is left is yelling "it's too early" but the IFer in me is not hearing that.

And I thought I'd get work done - HA - 3dp5dt

I suppose one of my embryos is actually a 6dt, so I am both 3dp5dt and 3dp6dt. Either way, I am back at work for the first day and I am not accomplishing ANYTHING.

I expected to come in and pour myself into my work. Instead, I am thinking about things. The slight cramping that I'm having on and off. I know it could be the progesterone, but I just don't think it is.

The intense thirst I'm having.

The absolute lack of interest in any food. I am forcing myself to eat healthy foods still (yoghurt and high-protein granola for breaky, then lots of walnuts, a bit of my pineapple core, and recently a banana and an apple smothered in peanut butter). As you can tell, I'm working on my protein - protein = a vegetarian's best friend! My acupuncturist has been on me about my protein levels (even asked me to eat fish, which I politely declined) for years. I have been all over it recently and she is finally happy.

The lack of interest in food is interesting. It happened very early on in my pregnancy last summer. So I'm hoping it's a VERY early sign and not my brain creating a very early sign just to fuck with me. I was also awake a fair amount last night - another pregnancy sign I always get is insomnia - but I am quite sure my brain is again just fucking with me. But, I document these "symptoms" here for the heck of it!

Mini resolve group last night was just awesome. Our 7-9 pm meeting ran until almost 10 pm because we were all chatting and laughing. Over the last few months, we've joked about needing some special thing to wear that denotes infertility but is private and not overt. Last night, one member brough us all a write up about the pomegranate (a symbol of infertility / fertility) and then braided dark purple strings. We all put them on our right wrists and I love seeing mine today.

Back to trying-to-work. Sigh, this is going to be a LONG day.

Introducing ... my blasts!

Here they are. At the time they were frozen (back in February), one was a 4AA and the other a 5AA. This handy informational explained that rating essentially means that one was starting to hatch by freezing (the 5AA) and the other hadn't (the 4AA). By the time this photo was taken, however, they were both on their way out, as you can see. This photo was taken a bit before transfer. By transfer time, they were WELL on their way out, even almost out, so even further than this photo shows. So, by transfer time, we had two 5AA blasts!

The transfer was relatively easy. The catheter went in easier than last time (it was easy last time, but took a few minutes). But it hurt a little more this time than I remember the last two transfers hurting. Just a quick ouchie, nothing serious. I was on valium again and slept a fair amount yesterday afternoon when we got back to our hotel. And, just to update, my progesterone level was at 37.8 on Monday; they like to see anything over 20. Phew.

Out hotel was amazing. We stayed at Hotel 1000. It was expensive, but we have always figured "hell, we're spending the bank on the treatment, what's an extra bit on a hotel." We probably could find somewhere much cheaper for about $150 a night, but we wanted close to the clinic, quiet, and chose a water view this time for hubby. For $300 a night (whoa!) we had one of the nicest hotel rooms I have ever stayed in. And did we love it or what! We relaxed and giggled and talked. It was a really nice night. I'd recommend a water view in that hotel. We've also stayed at (1) Silver Cloud, (2) Pan Pacific and (3) Kimpton's Hotel Monaco. They were all nice, but this one just took the cake.

I got a little freaked out because one of the blasts was a day-6 blast. The embryologist explained that meant that on day 5, it looked like it might become a blast, so they waited. And, on day 6, it was a blast so they froze it. The other was a day-5 blast. I worried that it meant my embryo was a slow developer or that it meant doom and gloom for the cycle. I did some internet research and found an Oxford study about day-5 versus day-6 blasts. I tried to interpret it, but couldn't so I sent it to two MD friends I have made through my resolve group. They each responded, not seeing the other's response, that their reading of the study was very different: that there is NO difference between day-5 and day-6 blasts provided the same measuring units are used to determine them as blasts. That it matters more on a fresh cycle because of the woman's lining, but doesn't matter at all on a frozen cycle. I was so relieved to hear than and then fell right asleep!

We got back to the room about 4 and I fell asleep rather instantly. Hubby used the hotel's gym facilities and came back just as I was waking up at 5:30. He then went to get us some dinner at a delicious vegetarian restaurant we've gone to before: Cafe Flora. SO YUMMY! I ordered him a beer through room service and and when he got back, the beer had just arrived and we feasted in the room. Then we snuggled into bed and turned a movie on. It was about a good a night as we could have hoped for.

I'm home now, on a self-imposed bed rest. My clinic doesn't do bed rest. They told me to "just take it easy" but gave me permission even to go out for dinner last night. Their success rates are great so I can only believe that the bed rest doesn't make a lick of a difference. That said, my Portland clinic does a 2 day bed rest, so I am trained that way. Therefore, I am on my own kind of bed rest, the kind that allows me to get up for food or to wander around the garden. I might even take our dog for a slow walk in the morning! I don't go back to work until Friday and am going to enjoy lying around the house thinking about my beautiful embryos.

I feel really calm (so far) in this 2ww. I'm not sure if it's a degree of "just don't give a fuck" which is a defense mechanism. It's probably also some "been there, done that." I had, in fact, decided NOT to test early and to just wait for my beta on 4/12. But my naturopath, who is treating my natural killer cells, wants me to test early so she can test my NK cells after a pregnancy starts and make sure the numbers haven't escalated. So, I will test early on Monday, I think.



My boobs have been HUGE and full and sore for a while now from all the estrogen, so I can't take that as a symptom obviously! And I am cramping now from the procedure (and possibly from implantation). I'll just have to wait and see, but for now, I am as content as I could be with my kitty, Emma, snuggled up right next to me in bed.

Transfer complete!

They unfroze two. Both survived the thaw and two remain frozen. The transfer was easy. I am on valium (required by my clinic). More tomorrow when I am not so wonky and am on a computer.

They are both beautiful and perfect.

Really flippin' excited!

I got here. To the same place I was on July 19, 2012: a place of EXCITEMENT! I am so fuckin' excited for tomorrow. I am ready. Stay tuned for news tomorrow. Thanks to you all for helping me get here. I just had acupuncture and am taking what I hope to be my last HOT bath for a while. I might even drink a beer (haven't been allowed while on those VB meds).

I am EXCITED!!!

"Good luck tomorrow, darl'!"

The woman I'm trying to make a grandma came to visit this weekend. Partly, for Easter, but mainly because (1) my transfer got delayed, (2) Sky died, and (3) it was going to be in the mid- to upper-70s this weekend. I needed her here, and I don't think she remembers the last time I told her I needed her. She found a mileage ticket and arrived Thursday night.  We walked our other dog every morning bright and early and stopped to get (decaf for me) lattes.  We made meals and saw our friends. My mum and I took a bike ride on Friday. We got very small sun tans on our arms and faces. We slept well. We watched movies and basketball in the evenings after the sun set. We bbq'd. We ate chocolate on Easter and babysat good friends' 4 year old yesterday. We gardened and gardened and gardened. Between me, her and hubby, we collectively put in 40+ hours in the garden. Our gardens look amazing and - almost as importantly - my mind was completely off the transfer. It was quite possibly THE. BEST. LONG. weekend I've had in a very very very long time.

It wasn't until I dropped her at the airport this morning and she said ...

"good luck tomorrow, darl'" that I really focused on it.

Tomorrow.

My transfer. Of two of our currently frozen four beautiful, perfect embryos.

Tomorrow starts a long-ass 10 day wait until my first beta. Tomorrow starts what I HOPE SO MUCH will be a long 9 month wait. Just as easily, but not as likely, it starts the beginning of bad news.

I am focusing on there absolutely FANTASTIC statistics (approximately 70% for a singleton). I need to ignore - as best I can - what has happened to me over the past 3 1/4 years and last donor egg bank cycle. This is a brand new situation, with a brand new donor and a LOT of new stuff going on in my body - my B12 levels are GOOD, my vitamin D levels are GOOD, I'm on mthfr-friendly folic acid and pre-natals, I've had the natural killer cells IV recently and I just had my progesterone checked to make sure it's ok (results later today). My boobs are SO FULL and tender (so I can't use that as a pregnancy symptom) from all the estrogen. My body seems ready. Tomorrow, we'll hear what my lining got to with the 6-by-tomorrow progesterone shots.

Tomorrow it is. We're leaving for Seattle around 10 tomorrow. Take my clinic-prescribed valium (they order that for transfers) at 1:30, check-in at the clinic at 2, and a transfer at 2:30. Then to our hotel for a night where I'll sleep off the valium and my hubby will explore Seattle and get us some healthy dinner. Then home on Wednesday for two days of self-prescribed bed rest (this clinic does not require it but my other clinic did, so I am trained to do a bed rest). I won't actually be on bed rest as much as staying quiet. So I'll wander around our beautiful garden with our dog and smell the fragrances. A few friends have offered to come over and a friend I met through resolve is coming over to do a relaxation session (she is Alexander Technique trained).

I got this!