"50/50 chance of babies within 10 days" ... !!!

Went in for our weekly NST today. Pushed it to today instead of the regular Tuesday because our specialist is going out of town tomorrow for 2 weeks and we wanted to see him one more time and say good bye and thank you.

Babies are still PERFECT in there. I had two slight contractions (one I didn't feel at all) during the 20 minute NST and the babies' lines were absolutely text book perfect.

My blood pressure, however, was all over the place. They took it right when I got into the room (after leaving a pee sample, picking up my bag, getting weighed which requires taking my shoes off, and waddling to the room) and it was 159/90. EEK! They took it again about 45 seconds later after I'd been sitting down and had some cold water and it was down to a lovely 127/90. They took it at the very end of the NST and it was at 139/90. So it's all over the map but our MFM calls it "stable."

My protein in urine count was a different story. It was at 2+ for the first time ever. Made me cringe, but specialist said "we don't induce delivery on 2+ alone." He ordered another blood panel to see what things are doing so we can know for sure. Results later today. To be clear: I am NOT pre-eclamptic ... yet. But our MFM thinks it's a matter of time, unfortunately. Hence the babies coming early (me being induced).

We had a nice long talk with him and he said "there's a 50/50 chance of babies within 10 days." We both kind of stopped hearing or listening at that point as it sunk in.

10 days.

That's getting us to 36 weeks pregnant and no further.

Put a different way ... THAT'S NEXT GOD DAMNED THURSDAY!!!!! oh. my. god.

I find myself in a strange place. The infertile in me a year ago would have almost-KILLED to be in my position today. Almost 35 weeks pregnant with two perfect baby girls on the way. But the mama bear in me - the person who has grown over the last 9 months to be a mama to these girls - wants them to cook longer. Is MAD MAD MAD at my body that my body again will cause problems. It's been a long time (on an infertility timeline) since my body screwed up. But now, once again, it is causing problems. I should be grateful - no TTTS, no gestational diabetes, no complications at all until now - but I'm not. These babies are in this for the long haul - they want to go to term - but because of my body, they will likely have to come out early.

So what does a mama bear do in this situation? After spending the week eating tons of fruit in the hopes that it'll help? She consults Dr. Google about whether protein intake can help ward off pre-eclampsia. And, it turns out, there is some research to suggest it can. And mama bear realizes that her problems seems to have begun when she became less diligent about her three-times-a-day Boost intake (remember I was taking those religiously to stave off TTTS). So mama bear starts those back up (after calling papa bear to tell him that's her plan).

Mama bear also vows to increase her water intake even higher. I will not leave a stone unturned if said stone could hold the chance at a few extra days of cookin' or maybe even longer.

On more fun news (well, different news because babies within 10 days is actually pretty damned fun!), we got our nursery finished this weekend!!!

And on fantastic closing news, one of the donor egg IVF women I blogged about here got her first ever BFP! And it's a solid one with a fantastic beta this morning.

34+1

Appointment went well. Blood pressure is lower (130/90) and protein in my urine is still at 1+. MFM was happy about that and told us we have "at least one more week." But then told us the babies will be here before he gets back from vacation (2 1/2 weeks from now). So we're having pre-Thanksgiving babies it appears!

We were so anxious going into the appointment. I even did things at home expecting to not return from the appointment! We had a tiny argument in the car ride (great for my bp!) because my hubby was just so anxious. After the good appointment, we had a nice lunch downtown before hubby went back to work and I went home to take a much needed nap.

Babies passed their (second) biophysical profile with flying colors: each baby got an 8 out of 8! We saw more practice breathing and happy content babies. Baby A is head down and baby B is still breech - it appears she got stuck in that position so there she stays until A comes out!

I've been having some light contractions since yesterday. Nothing that hurts or stops me from doing stuff, but definitely something going on.

So now we wait! This is very very VERY exciting!

34 weeks ... we owe them a car!

We got here. Many of you will remember that back at the end of May, at our first specialist appointment (when we were deathly afraid of TTTS and all other things potentially coming our way), hubby and I shook hands over my (then tiny) belly and made a deal with the babies: you stay in until 34 weeks and we'll buy you a car.

Is it silly for me to think they heard us?! Because it appears that they did.

Tomorrow, at 34w1d, I go back to the MFM. My blood pressure has been climbing every so slowly and then took quite a hike last week. My doc signed disability paperwork so I've been home this week lying around. I had hoped that a few days of lying around would help my blood pressure but then I went in for another NST on Tuesday (after a lovely coffee shop sit down with a friend) and my blood pressure was even higher than when I was working! To say I was disappointed and surprised does not do my emotions justice. When I started and all the way through until a few weeks ago, my blood pressure was always around 116/60. Tuesday's first reading was 139/94 and the second reading was 149/94. So things are looking a bit grim.

The good news is that lying around has REALLY helped my swelling. My feet no longer look like horrible painful (they weren't) sausages. I can see my ankle bones again and can even see a bone or maybe two on the top of each foot. And last night, I forgot to put my hand brace on to go to sleep but when I woke up to pee, I realized my hand wasn't hurting. I didn't put the brace on as an experiment and it wasn't until about 5am that it started to tingle and hurt. But I still didn't put my brace on.

Another scary thing that came out of Tuesday's appointment was that the protein in my urine was 1+. It's been "negative" most of the time and has come back "trace" a few times. They test the protein in one's urine because it can be a sign of pre-eclampsia (so too can elevating blood pressure). So I've got two red flags.

The good news is that my blood work (drawn on Tuesday) came back all within normal range. We see the MFM tomorrow for an ultrasound so we'll check in with him. The blood work may be within normal range, but is it rising? Is that a cause for concern?

I know we asked these girls for 34 weeks, but now I want more. I want them to be chubby and healthy. I want 2 more weeks at least. Keep your fingers crossed for us, please.

The power of RESOLVE

Anasara recently attended the Resolve of New England's super conference. I say "super conference" because it sounds like it was truly amazing and I wish I had had the opportunity to go to one out here (Pacific Northwest). Her positive experience got me thinking about RESOLVE in general and then got me weepy about how much credit I give the RESOLVE Portland group for helping me get and stay pregnant.

If you've never been to a RESOLVE meeting and happen to have one nearby, I urge you TO GO. GO. GO. GO. I suppose there is always a chance you'll regret it but I can't imagine that chance actually coming true. To even the most shy person, who doesn't like to interact with people regularly, I urge you TO GO.

Why? The power of being in a room with women who "get it" and who are going through what you're going through is absolutely, positively PRICELESS. I had looked at going to my first meeting back in spring 2012. The meetings here happen on the third Tuesday of the month and it turned out that I learned about it just after it happened. And then I managed to forget I wanted to go. It wasn't until two weeks after my miscarriage and D&C that I went and let me tell you my ONLY regret: that I hadn't gone sooner. That regret is one I heard from most women who showed up at the meetings. They all wished they found the group sooner.

That first meeting, I chose to open up and talk about our experiences. As I sobbed my way through our "resume" and ended with our recent miscarriage of two weeks earlier, the "ugggs" and groans I heard did not make me sad. They gave me strength. I realized I was in a room where it was ok for me to sob and to talk about having no hope left. And it was also a room full of women who would help me get my hope back and get back into the saddle to try again. I did not go there seeking pity. I don't know what specifically I went there for - it was absolutely a last resort of a zombie me just going through the motions - but I found it, whatever it was. I also found: friendship, safety, understanding, a place to vent, love, similarity and acceptance. I also saw that I was NOT a two-headed monster completely alone in this world of infertility. That this is an epidemic that picks anyone as its victim. And that first night, the other victims were smart, funny, educated, kind, beautiful women who helped me begin the healing process that would allow me to see myself as those positive things once again.

By November, we had a "small group spin off." Four of us met one off-Tuesday at a Japanese restaurant. That was the first and only time we met at a restaurant. Since then - over a year now - the small group meetings have been happening at someone's home. There were only four of us that first small group meeting. The group size has now grown to over 15. Of the four of us who started the small group, two are new moms, I am almost there, and the fourth is 7 weeks pregnant. Of the 15+ in the group, there are at least 6 others (not including me or the 7 week pregnant lady) who are pregnant and on their way to being RESOLVed.

Do I credit RESOLVE with getting me and all those other women pregnant? Not entirely, but certainly to some degree. There is research out there showing that the power of being in a support group is astounding. That women who are engaged in some kind of in-person support group of some kind get pregnant faster despite years of infertility. The power of the hugs and cell phone numbers (for emergency texts in a panic) was invaluable.

Many of us now attend what was initially dubbed "pregnant after infertility" meetings, another group we started. But we don't talk about infertility much at all, and even changed the title to "future moms and beyond" because two women from the small group who are pursuing adoption now come. We talk about car seats and bottle versus breast feeding. We talk about pregnancy symptoms and stroller options. We exchange maternity clothing and any baby items we don't need or got duplicates of. We ply each other with so much information that we walk away happy and content, filled with more than just anxiety about being pregnant. We are filled with love, hope and excitement for what is coming our way.

If you have a RESOLVE (or other) meeting nearby and have been considering going - or even if you have decided you don't want to go - I urge you to get your butt there asap. You can always choose to not go back, but I do suspect you won't make that choice.

When donor egg doesn't work

I have been sitting on and thinking about this blog post for many months. What does one do when donor egg doesn't work?!

Back in June and then over the summer, I watched the heartache of "when DE doesn't work" in person. And it brought back all the memories from last summer when our DE miracle pregnancy went completely south.

There is a woman here I met through resolve meetings. Let's call her Z. She has become a very good friend outside of infertility stuff and I can't imagine her not being my friend. We have so much in common and see each other - even now as I am 33 weeks pregnant - on a regular basis.

When I met Z, she had just done her fresh DE transfer ... and it had failed. I met her through another resolve member. Z was in a very dark space and, having just come out of a very dark space myself, I wanted to help. We bonded and we both geared up for another transfer: both FETs this time.

My FET worked. Hers did not. That was the last of her embryos and she and her husband were left in a place that felt very much like the beginning of the road (or end of the road): what in the hell next?!

Then, over blogging, I watched Rebecca go through a DE cycle that was also supposed to work. Like Z, she did everything right. She had high quality embryos. And she still got a bfn. She is now bravely gearing up for a transfer with a donor egg embryo and a full-on donor embryo. Please stop over there and wish her luck and support.

And then, through a FB group, I watched another woman who has gone through multiple DE cycles - all of which have failed.

DE is. supposed. to. work. Period. I think it's safe to say that women who go the DE route do not do so lightly. We choose / decide to give up on our own eggs, our own DNA and family legacy and history. We sometimes give up the chance at having our child(ren) look like us. We do so because our drive to experience pregnancy, to share life, to birth a child beats the need to pass on our DNA. Most of us end up saying "I don't want to have a daughter and pass along my infertility problems anyway" when talking about the choice to go DE. We go the DE route knowing that our children will not have our parents' DNA. Our children won't be biologically related to my (the woman's) sister's future children. Even if we get a good medical history on our donor, we will never ever know the full extent of her and her family's medical history so we will never be able to properly and fully answer medical questions at a doctor's office; neither will our donor egg children when they are grown.

DE is supposed to give us what we yearn for, after we choose to give up what comes so naturally and easily to many others. Too often, as I have seen, DE does not work. Is the fall and despair from a failed DE cycle worse than a non-DE cycle? While I have not had a bfn, I did miscarry after a DE cycle and I can tell you that was the worst experience of my IF "career." When we got pregnant and then saw and heard a heartbeat, we thought we had made it out. We would have a baby. Things would finally go our way. To have DE fail was more destructive to me (and my hubby and our marriage) than anything else we experienced.

Most DE transfers happen with perfect, high-quality embryos. Those transfers are supposed to work. It is beyond unfair when they fail once, and even worse when they fail more than once.

32 weeks - we made it - no pic though

(Sorry no pic. Unlike earlier in the pregnancy when I bounced more out of bed and took a bump shot, getting out of bed these days is virtually impossible, which leaves me groggy and running late, so I forget to take a photo. Photo coming probably over the weekend.)

Yesterday, October 24, we hit what all doctors are calling "safe zone." We saw our MFM and our OB last week and both said what was music to our ears: "safe zone." It's an amazing feeling, surreal really, and we are feeling so lucky to be here. My hubby was remembering back to when our RE graduated us way back when. She said "you want to make it to 24 weeks, but really there is a lot of development that happens between 24 and 28, so try to make it to 28." She thought they were coming REALLY early. Back then, we hoped and hoped and hoped to make it to 28. Little did we know that we would SAIL right past it and then some.

Over the past week, the infertile in me has raised its head a bit. I have found myself hyper sensitive to absolutely everything going on in my body - back to the days when every twinge or cramp or symptom got over analyzed and kept me awake at night. I've found myself doing that again: "the baby movements seem smaller" (doc told me they do get smaller as the babies run out of room) or "I'm not hungry really but I am pooping a lot, is this a sign of early labor?" (turns out eating small meals constantly adds up!) or "I have more heartburn, is this preeclampsia?" (resolved this one last week and will look again at the MFM appointment in a few hours). While it is VERY important to be aware of changes, I have decided not to hyper- and overanalyze. What does that look like? Well, it means staying in touch with my docs and reporting changes, but it also means giving myself a break. So far - knock on wood - my body has shown that it is not only ready but literally MADE to carry twins. As far as pregnancies go, this has been a dream pregnancy. As far as twin pregnancies go, it's been more on the side of "miraculous." I need to trust my body. I need to trust my babies. And I need to continue to trust my doctors. They have helped us get this far with frequent monitoring and reassuring. My near constant craving for fruit no doubt has infused these babies with lots of healthy vitmins and nutrients, and my good fortune of having almost zero nausea and absolutely zero vomiting has allowed me to eat healthily throughout and take my vitamins and supplements every single day.

I know things can change overnight. And I know that having a very healthy pregnancy does NOT mean I'll make it to 35 weeks, like we are hoping. But certainly taking the emotional stress out of it and giving myself a break and ... here goes ... ENJOYING THE END OF THIS PREGNANCY!! ... can only help.

This will likely be THE. ONLY. TIME. I am pregnant. In my whole life! I am not expecting (or even hoping) to be that infertile who gets knocked up accidentally a few months after giving birth. I am not thinking or hoping that we'll do another cycle with our two remaining embryos (who knows what we'll do with them, but for now, we will continue paying to store them). I am expecting to have my babies sometime in the next 5 weeks and 6 days and that to be it for my ovaries and uterus. It takes a whole lot of stress out of the "what happens during delivery" concept but it also is a good reminder: ENJOY THE END OF THIS PREGNANCY!

So here goes nothing. Since they won't let us get past 38 weeks, I know I have 5 weeks and 6 days at the LONGEST. And I know I have at least today at the SHORTEST. Somewhere in between then, my baby girls will come. They'll have an official birthday (wild!) and their names will become public. We'll know whether they have hair at birth (like the ultrasound showed) and what their lenght and weights at birth are. For now, though, that all remains a mystery. All I know is that I am loving being pregnant and I will allow myself to ENJOY THE END OF THIS PREGNANCY!

31+4 - an update

I am SO sorry I haven't posted in a while. I had good intentions on many occasions to post, but then life got in the way. And when I say "life," I really mean "my hands." They are TERRIBLE. So swollen and sore. When I wake up, after not sleeping at all (due to needing to pee 5-6 times a night, sore hips and pulsating tingling hands), I cannot make more than a "C" with my left hand. It takes a while before I can make a very tender almost-fist.

Another reason is that I thought I had broken our computer. I randomly dropped it (thank you, hands) and at first, the screen wasn't working. Miraculously, it appears to be ok. Hope it stays that way.

At my OB's suggestion, I saw a DO last week for the carpel tunnel. I will be seeing him weekly until I deliver. Everyone has said "it'll only get worse before it gets better" and "the best medicine for it is delivery." Yikes. As it stands, unless it gets instantly better with delivery, I won't be holding my babies while standing up as I don't trust my hands one bit.

On better news, the babies are doing GREAT. They got weighed 2 weeks ago and each baby is over 4 pounds - ahead of the game, which is fantastic. And I'm rapidly approaching the golden "32 week" date (Thursday) so things are really looking good around here. The girls' fluids are still the same, my cervix is long and closed (at the last check) and I've only been having random contractions so nothing anyone is worried about.

I did have to go in last week unexpectedly to the specialist because I woke up and my face seemed more swollen than normal. Hubby immediately commented on it so I called in. They had me come in for a urine sample (negative for protein - yeah!), blood work (negative for anything bad - yeah!) and a non-stress test (NST) because my blood pressure was ever so slightly elevated. Despite it's name, it was stressful for this mama but things looked great. Hilariously, baby A wanted NOTHING to do with the monitor. Everytime they put it on her, she'd do the biggest move I've ever seen and push it off. They'd have to come back replace it and tighten it. Finally she agreed to leave it alone. Baby B, on the other hand, didn't move it away once and just was content with them listening to her (perfect, beautiful) heartbeat. Here's a picture of the NST on my (enormous) belly.

A few days after this fiasco, I went in to see my OB at a regularly scheduled appointment. She measured my 31 week belly - I am measuring 41 weeks! It makes me want to scream when people (and I mean everyone) says "you're so small for twins!" They don't seem to hear me when I say "I am measuring more than full term for a single baby despite having 9 weeks of pregnancy left." Oh well. I am HUGE. Here's a belly pic from last week. Not sure where I was, but it was sometime just before 31 weeks.

Last week, we had our final two baby showers. My work threw me a lunchtime one on Monday and it was lovely. A pot luck with so many supportive and smiley faces. I shared it with a co-worker who is 5 weeks behind me (with one baby). Then, Friday night, hubby's work threw us what we joked was a "drunken baby shower." It was at a local brewery and everyone was happily getting tipsy (or worse) on microbrews and wine. It was so fun but by the time I got home - after being at work all day, then at the OB appointment, then straight to the baby shower - my feet were SO SWOLLEN. Yikes. Fluid retention (remember my hands!) is definitely my main pregnancy symptom. I'll take it as it's my only one, but it is really getting in the way of me doing anything. Permanently numb fingers make doing anything virtually impossible.

What else? Oh, a week and a half ago, we went in for our "car seat safety check." The seats went in great but once they were in, we quickly realized that our Subaru Forester wasn't big enough. I had to bring my seat forward almost a foot from where I like to have it to drive. I could barely get in the driver's seat with my giant belly. Hubby and I spent Saturday trying to figure out a solution: manipulate the carseats; I'll just drive with no shoes on ever. None of those "solutions" seemed viable. So we went car shopping on Sunday and traded our fully paid off 2006 Subaru Forester for a car payment on a 2013 Subaru Outback (with 10,000 miles on it). We are, despite the car payment, so happy with the new car. AND IT'S STICK SHIFT! I grew up in Europe and have never owned an automatic car. I chocked it up to enough of an identity crisis to be having babies (I've gained over 50 pounds already) and to be taking 9 months off work ... but in reality, I JUST WANT A STICK SHIFT! My identity is wrapped up in that and, more importantly, I love love love driving stick shift. Friends with kids have told me "you'll want your extra hand to deal with your babies" but I just can't agree with that. I don't want to be an unsafe driver and therefore, I don't want to be using my other hand to turn around partially or fully even for a second. If there is a true emergency, I'll do what I need to do and / or pull over. But if it's something benign, in my opinion, it's not worth risking everyone and other drivers on the road to turn around. So, therefore, I have my second hand still for my stick shift. YEAH YEAH YEAH! I also really want my daughters to learn how to drive stick shift for so many reasons. This will get them accustomed to it very early on. Oh, and the carseats fit in PERFECTLY with so much extra room.

I'll try to be better about posting. I'll for sure get a 32 week picture up once (knock on wood) I get there.