It was suggested to me by a friend and fellow blogger that I write a blog post about donor eggs from the "other side." Now that I have donor egg babies, how do I feel?
The answer is simple: like a mommy.
Most moments - scratch that, 99.9% of moments - I don't even think about them being donor egg babies. It just doesn't come up in my mind or my heart or my soul. These are my babies. My body grew them and birthed them. My body recovered from the 9 month experience (scratch that: the FOUR YEAR experience). My body feeds them. And they gaze up into my eyes and smile and coo and fall asleep, my body cherishes them. These are my daughters, no doubt about it. And when people tell me "they have your eyes" (because, honestly, they do!), my heart sings. When my own mother told me that they look like me, we both almost cried. That they don't have my DNA is simply a technicality, not worthy of much thought. This process helped me realize that making a baby takes more than just having sex and converging DNA. It takes daily consideration for what mom eats while growing baby (and, for me, it was really intense because of the single placenta and TTTS risk). It takes careful planning and attention to detail. It takes love and patience and longing. DNA is, thanks to modern medicine, an afterthought. And, thanks to epigenetics, these babies have more of me than I used to think possible. My body was responsible for switching on and off certain genomes. My body made and grew these babies, and it did it well. My body responds to their needs and as of about a month ago, they are both 100% breas milk fed babies.
As I sit here, typing this between spells of checking on sleeping babies, with the Portland snow storm happening outside our beautiful front picture window, my last day of FMLA leave being tomorrow and my first day of official "leave of absence" until September (read: unemployment!) begins Monday, you know what I am NOT thinking about? Well, you know. My heart is full, my family is complete, my life is amazing, and my babies are as mine as they could ever be.
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Saturday, February 1, 2014
Almost 11 weeks have passed
Finding time to do anything for myself, let along blog, is really hard with newborn twins. That said, we managed to fly to Australia with them! They got their 6 week inoculations and we boarded a plane the next day. My whole family is from Australia and my grandma was very sick. It has been a dream of mine for 4 years to the month that she would get to meet great grandbabies. Realizing we didn't have much time, we decided to do the unthinkable - and take the babies to Australia. They met her and 10 days later, she died. It was remarkable and I cannot help but think that the universe helped a little and the babies knew they had to come early and be healthy. Had they come on their due date or even been only 2 weeks early as opposed to 4 weeks, I'm just not sure my grandma could have held on.
The babies were AMAZING and didn't cry once the whole time. Seriously, I'm not kidding. And they didn't get so much as a cold or cough. Tough little suckers!
What else? Oh, the babies are entirely breastmilk fed! I am really proud of that. They don't transfer great from the breast, so I do what is known as the "triple feed" - nurse them, then bottle feed them what I pumped the previous time, then pump for the next feed. My mantra is two fold: "this is only temporary" and "my friends still in the trenches would kill for this opportunity." I actually love it and love feeding them, as exhausting as it is.
My hubby went back to work this week and it has been actually really enjoyable. I like having the day entirely to myself to schedule and do as things come up. Being in Australia (read: summer!) gave us the confidence to get outside with the babies daily. Now that we're home, I've committed to getting out for a long walk once a day. So far, it has happened and I feel great!
What else? Oh, I called my on call provider from Australia because I was bleeding suddenly a few days after arriving in Australia. I worried I was hemorrhaging. I explained my symptoms and the doc said "are you sure it's not your period?" There was radio silence on my end. Neither my hubby nor I (nor my family I confided in) had even considered that! I was only 7 weeks post partum and nursing two babies! Turns out my body really likes to recover quickly. Was it my period? I wondered until this week when, 26 days later, IT CAME AGAIN!
Apparently my body and nature think I can handle another baby?! God forbid I was a fertile (who had time for sex!) and I might have three under one year old. EEK! Fortunately, I have little to zero chance of that happening.
OK, babies just woke up from their nap with their dad. Gotta go!
The babies were AMAZING and didn't cry once the whole time. Seriously, I'm not kidding. And they didn't get so much as a cold or cough. Tough little suckers!
What else? Oh, the babies are entirely breastmilk fed! I am really proud of that. They don't transfer great from the breast, so I do what is known as the "triple feed" - nurse them, then bottle feed them what I pumped the previous time, then pump for the next feed. My mantra is two fold: "this is only temporary" and "my friends still in the trenches would kill for this opportunity." I actually love it and love feeding them, as exhausting as it is.
My hubby went back to work this week and it has been actually really enjoyable. I like having the day entirely to myself to schedule and do as things come up. Being in Australia (read: summer!) gave us the confidence to get outside with the babies daily. Now that we're home, I've committed to getting out for a long walk once a day. So far, it has happened and I feel great!
What else? Oh, I called my on call provider from Australia because I was bleeding suddenly a few days after arriving in Australia. I worried I was hemorrhaging. I explained my symptoms and the doc said "are you sure it's not your period?" There was radio silence on my end. Neither my hubby nor I (nor my family I confided in) had even considered that! I was only 7 weeks post partum and nursing two babies! Turns out my body really likes to recover quickly. Was it my period? I wondered until this week when, 26 days later, IT CAME AGAIN!
Apparently my body and nature think I can handle another baby?! God forbid I was a fertile (who had time for sex!) and I might have three under one year old. EEK! Fortunately, I have little to zero chance of that happening.
OK, babies just woke up from their nap with their dad. Gotta go!
Sunday, December 22, 2013
Notes from my hospital stay - in bullet form
US federal law for c-section = 96 hrs. Use it. Meaning, don't go home early unless you really can't stand being in the hospital.
Write down the names of every shift nurse and something to remind you who they are ("held my hand during blood pressure check" for example). You might want to thank the nurses later.
The nurses can give you SO. MUCH. STUFF. We got hundreds of dollars of necessary baby stuff for free. Ask and they'll probably provide! Same applies to the lactation consultants.
START PUMPING RIGHT AWAY. Seriously, start right away after every meal if possible just to stimulate your breasts and get your milk supply going. I started pumping the very first day in the hospital.
Breast pump - get someone to pick it up so you can go through it with lactation consultant if you want. And, RENT A HOSPITAL GRADE PUMP as it is so much better than the ones you get through insurance. You may not need it but if you have any milk production issues, the hospital grade pump is so much better.
Use lactation consultant's expertise. Over. And over. And over again! Daily.
Use the nursery at night! The nurses will take great care of the babies and you can get solid sleep. They'll bring the babies in for feeding time if you want. Once you get home, no sleep for you! Also, sleep in the hospital will help you recover from either a vaginal birth or a c section.
If you have to go in early for monitoring, bring: own towel, shampoo (bring towel and shampoo and soap for hubby), soap, pillows (more than one), clothes as you probably won't need to be in the hospital gown, slippers or flipflops, air mattress or camping mattress for hubby to put on otherwise-uncomfy pull-out couch,
Shower morning of induction / c section. You won't want to shower the next day probably, and maybe even the day after that. If it's a scheduled c section, they'll put your hair in a head cap. You might still enjoy styling your hair, but the first photos with babies will include the hospital surgery cap.
Take swaddling lessons from the nurses. If you can own the swaddle, life will be a tiny bit easier!
They'll give you maternity underwear - gauze and huge. They are amazing. Horde and protect them. Especially if you have a c sec, you won't want normal underwear. And get some pads (the hospital will give you huge ones but buy normal ones at the store) as you'll bleed / spot for a while likely.
You will likely bleed for a few weeks (up to 6 weeks) so make sure you have some store-bought pads at home. You won't need the giant hospital ones after a while, but you also won't be able to use a panty liner.
Thursday, December 19, 2013
"Scars are souvenirs you never lose" - having a baby via c-section
I have a series of blog posts that I want to create - the hurdle is not what I want to write about, but when I manage to write. This morning, as I nursed both babies at 4am, I worked through what I would blog about. I felt like I had a real writer's flow. When I climbed back into bed, though, leaving the babies with their grandma for her shift, I decided sleep was more important. Now, some 8 hours later, I am not feeling as witty or creative. Alas, I am better in the wee hours of the morning but not capable of capitalizing on that!
So ... a c-section. Going into mine, I knew TONS of women who had had them, but still, I didn't know exactly what to expect. This was despite, even, the fact that the nurses at the hospital told me exactly what to expect.
For those who are pregnant or hoping to be pregnant, and for my own memorializing of my experience, I want to write about what it's like to have a c-section.
Mine was a "scheduled c-section." At 10 am on Nov. 18, my OB called my hospital room to check on me. It was a Monday and she was off the whole weekend. She had my newest lab results and we talked about what to do next. I called it - told her I was nervous, especially about Baby A, and that I would much prefer the babies to spend some time in the nursery AND BE OUT SAFE than to miss something, push things a few more days or weeks, and have something terrible and tragic happen to one or both of my babies.
So at 10 am my babies' birthday was decided. My c-section would be at 1 pm Pacific time.
Between 10 and 1 was when things got interesting. Thinking about all the beautiful right-after-birth photos I have seen of other women and their babies, I took a shower and even blew my hair dry and tried to style it. Had I had make up, I might have even felt compelled to put some on (this is mind blowing as I wear make up about once or twice a YEAR). I took a final belly photo and then got back into bed. I spent some time creating an email list of everyone who wanted the birth announcement and I listened to some music. I got ready, as best I could, but not really knowing what was coming. My hubby was coming back around 12:30 (he went home to shower, collect things to start sleeping at the hospital, and to get mentally ready himself).
I have an IRL friend who had a c-section and blogged about it. She called it a "weird" experience and then apologized for using the term "weird." It does seem like a high school word, one that is used when we don't know what else to say or lack the ability to come up with a better description. But, as it turns out, giving birth by c-section IS a WEIRD experience and that word suits it just perfectly.
Here's how it went down:
1:15 (they were running late, which elevated my anxiety), they wheeled me back into the OR. My hubby wasn't allowed back in there at first. I had to have my spinal put into place. The spinal part scared me more than the rest of it. I was worried - and even talked to the anesthesiologist - about not being able to ever use my legs again. He all but guaranteed me that would not happen and, fortunately, it turns out he was right.
For the spinal, I sat on the operating bed with my gown open in the back. I leaned forward into the arms and chest of the head nurse (who was wonderful). She supported me as I tried to relax. My head / face were in her chest and I *think* my arms were loose and hanging down on her side. There were two parts to the spinal: the initial prick which was a numbing agent and then the actual spinal. The numbing agent felt like a bee sting. It was sharp and local, not over-the-top painful, but definitely there. I remember saying "ow, ow ow" as it went in. We waited about 5 minutes and everything local in my back went numb and I only felt some pressure with the actual spinal going in. At that point, I could still feel and move everything else.
Then the spinal took effect. Holy hell was it weird. By the time it took effect, I was lying on my back. I started to feel my toes tingle within about a minute. Then the rest of me started to tingle. Within about 5 minutes (or less) everything from my chest down was. completely. DEAD TO ME. Not just numb. But actually like a tree stump. I could not move anything to save my soul. I tried to move my toes, WILLED them to move. I tried to do a kegel exercise and couldn't. It was all completely dead. Heavy. There but not actually there.
The catheter was inserted, and would not be removed until well after surgery. I would have to regain feeling in my legs first, which I was told would take about 3 hours after surgery.
My OB was already in the room, but despite knowing her so well, I didn't recognize her in her hair net and face mask. Her eyes were kind and she chatted. The room was FILLED. My OB and her partner (two OBs per policy on a twin delivery). The anesthesiologist. The pediatrician. One nurse for me, one nurse per OB, and one nurse per baby. It was cramped. And chilly. Everyone in the room chatted. About the weather. The music the anesthesiologist had picked. About the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday. At one point, they made sure the banter was not too much for me. I told them I was enjoying it as it was distracting me.
Cue my hubby allowed to come in and cue also the tears. I was stressed and seeing him finally - in his scrubs and hair net - made me sob. He held my hand and talked me through it. They put up the screen. They reminded me I would feel lots of pressure but should feel nothing else.
And then they got started. I started to feel some nausea from the spinal so I got anti-nausea meds in my IV. That made me a little drowsy, but still mostly present.
Then ... HOLY SHIT DID I FEEL PRESSURE. Nothing hurt, but it absolutely felt like someone was giving my abdomen a deep tissue massage. And I could sense when they removed each baby because my abdomen was less cramped and things relaxed in there.
At one point, I said to my OB "I can sort of feel something" and her classic response: "I'm not surprised, I have my hand up to your sternum." EEK!
My hubby didn't want to see anything that was happening behind the screen and I don't blame him. He spent the whole procedure right by me, holding my hand, talking banally about me, reading from Paddington Bear. But my OB wanted him to see two things. She said "_____, look." He said "I don't want to" and she said "oh just look" and she held Baby A up over the screen. My perfect first daughter appeared, all wrinkly and bloody and wet and PERFECT. She was screaming. We were in love. Two minutes later, perfect Baby B appeared over the screen. This time, nobody had to coax my hubby (or me) to look up. She was also screaming, which was music to our ears.
Within a few minutes of being born, each baby was swaddled and given to us. Despite hearing horror stories of c-section women having their arms tied down, mine were free. I was not comfortable holding the babies due to the anti-nausea meds that were still making me kind of drowsy. So hubby held them and I put my hands on them and nuzzled my face up to theirs. I was sewn back up quickly and the 3 of us were wheeled back to my room and we started with breastfeeding immediately. Hubby - who is not normally one to take or think about taking photos - heeded my request to document the first moments. He took some photos with his free hand and then asked the anesthesiologist to snap our first family photo. It is one we have not shared with anyone and it is raw and intimate and amazing. The hair style I had worked on did not matter. My hair was under an operating cap. I did not care. I had my babies and they were perfect.
Back in my hospital room, we were breastfeeding before I could feel the rest of my body. I didn't regain the use of my legs for about 3 hours and wasn't feeling up to attempting to stand up for a few hours after that. The removing of the catheter didn't hurt, but just felt "weird" (that word again). My swelling went temporarily up after all the fluids I was given. I felt very bloated after surgery.
Having a baby (or babies) by c-section can be a terrifying experience, especially when one has hours to contemplate what is about to happen. And it is a HUGE experience. My internal organs were all removed from my body, only to be put back in. My uterus was fucked with in a way that compares only to carrying a twin pregnancy (because, ladies, that sure fucked with my uterus!). My abdomen was cut open and then sewed back up, internally and externally. My body has to "remember" how to urinate and poop, and it has to do that within a day (urinate) or three (poop) or else people get worried.
Addition: I was asked about the incision and recovery time. I will put it in one large paragraph. The incision is right at my pubic hair line. In fact, the nurse shaved a few inches below so it was hairfree for surgery. The incision currently is about 6 inches long but I am told that might shrink down a bit as my belly continues to shrink down. As far as recovery goes, it is important to remember that the process is different for everyone. For me, it has been very easy. I have learned through life that I have a remarkably high pain threshold and was off the Oxy within 48 hours of surgery and off the Ibuprofen within 72 hours of surgery. That is not the case for everyone and if you need more drugs for longer, do not beat yourself up or judge yourself. The pre-infertility me - you know, the one who didn't inject herself with a shit ton of drugs three times a day - rarely even took Advil for a headache. When I had ACL reconstruction, I was off pain meds in 4 days. And I never even took Tylenol or Advil after my D&C last year. It's just how I roll - my dad calls it "the Dutch way" (whatever that means!). So take this part of my blog post with a grain of salt. What I can speak to is that it was highly frustrating being restricted on what I could do for the first few weeks. I was allowed to hold both babies (about 11 pounds of baby at first) but wasn't allowed to do much else. That was hard and I think I probably pushed that envelope more than I should have. Which is partly why I go off pain meds so I can feel what my body is feeling and know the natural limitations it is trying to put in place. I am 4 weeks 2 days from surgery and feel great, other than the fact that my belly still looks about 4 months (with twins) pregnant. My stomach muscles are still spread apart from being pregnant and my uterus is not back to its normal size yet. There is bleeding as part of the recovery. The first few days, I passed very large clots. They didn't hurt - just slipped right out - but were rather astonishing and disconcerting to see in the toilet bowl. I am still bleeding randomly - some days not at all, other days I pass small clots. The amount of bleeding, I have learned, depends on the amount of movement and exercise I do: when I walk the dog quickly for a long walk, for example, I expect to see more bleeding. I have been told by nurses and doctors that is totally normal. I am allowed to take baths and have been for about 2 weeks (haven't had time to take one, though!) and am allowed to start jogging SLOWLY at about 6 weeks post surgery. The same goes for yoga and other exercise. I was warned that an increase in exercise will again increase any bleeding. So there you have it. A paragraph on recovery.
And, as a mother of c-section babies, I feel compelled to say this: having a baby (or babies) via c-section does NOT make me less of a mother or less of a bad ass. It is not something I am ashamed of or that I wish could be different. I heard a song lyric in high school that resonated with me - I love scars and the lyric fit my outlook on life perfectly: "scars are souvenirs you never lose."
I have a souvenir - my c-section scar. I love this souvenir. I have so many invisible scars from the infertility journey - my body and mind were damaged and changed, irreparably in some ways. But those bruises and bumps, scars and souvenirs are invisible to the rest of the world. They sit only with me and, like any bruise or scar, will heal and fade over time. This newest souvenir will also heal, but it will be with me forever and will forever memorialize the conclusion of my journey, the birth of my beloved daughters. It is a natural tattoo, a reminder of what we went through, what we achieved, and how happy we are.
So ... a c-section. Going into mine, I knew TONS of women who had had them, but still, I didn't know exactly what to expect. This was despite, even, the fact that the nurses at the hospital told me exactly what to expect.
For those who are pregnant or hoping to be pregnant, and for my own memorializing of my experience, I want to write about what it's like to have a c-section.
Mine was a "scheduled c-section." At 10 am on Nov. 18, my OB called my hospital room to check on me. It was a Monday and she was off the whole weekend. She had my newest lab results and we talked about what to do next. I called it - told her I was nervous, especially about Baby A, and that I would much prefer the babies to spend some time in the nursery AND BE OUT SAFE than to miss something, push things a few more days or weeks, and have something terrible and tragic happen to one or both of my babies.
So at 10 am my babies' birthday was decided. My c-section would be at 1 pm Pacific time.
Between 10 and 1 was when things got interesting. Thinking about all the beautiful right-after-birth photos I have seen of other women and their babies, I took a shower and even blew my hair dry and tried to style it. Had I had make up, I might have even felt compelled to put some on (this is mind blowing as I wear make up about once or twice a YEAR). I took a final belly photo and then got back into bed. I spent some time creating an email list of everyone who wanted the birth announcement and I listened to some music. I got ready, as best I could, but not really knowing what was coming. My hubby was coming back around 12:30 (he went home to shower, collect things to start sleeping at the hospital, and to get mentally ready himself).
I have an IRL friend who had a c-section and blogged about it. She called it a "weird" experience and then apologized for using the term "weird." It does seem like a high school word, one that is used when we don't know what else to say or lack the ability to come up with a better description. But, as it turns out, giving birth by c-section IS a WEIRD experience and that word suits it just perfectly.
Here's how it went down:
1:15 (they were running late, which elevated my anxiety), they wheeled me back into the OR. My hubby wasn't allowed back in there at first. I had to have my spinal put into place. The spinal part scared me more than the rest of it. I was worried - and even talked to the anesthesiologist - about not being able to ever use my legs again. He all but guaranteed me that would not happen and, fortunately, it turns out he was right.
For the spinal, I sat on the operating bed with my gown open in the back. I leaned forward into the arms and chest of the head nurse (who was wonderful). She supported me as I tried to relax. My head / face were in her chest and I *think* my arms were loose and hanging down on her side. There were two parts to the spinal: the initial prick which was a numbing agent and then the actual spinal. The numbing agent felt like a bee sting. It was sharp and local, not over-the-top painful, but definitely there. I remember saying "ow, ow ow" as it went in. We waited about 5 minutes and everything local in my back went numb and I only felt some pressure with the actual spinal going in. At that point, I could still feel and move everything else.
Then the spinal took effect. Holy hell was it weird. By the time it took effect, I was lying on my back. I started to feel my toes tingle within about a minute. Then the rest of me started to tingle. Within about 5 minutes (or less) everything from my chest down was. completely. DEAD TO ME. Not just numb. But actually like a tree stump. I could not move anything to save my soul. I tried to move my toes, WILLED them to move. I tried to do a kegel exercise and couldn't. It was all completely dead. Heavy. There but not actually there.
The catheter was inserted, and would not be removed until well after surgery. I would have to regain feeling in my legs first, which I was told would take about 3 hours after surgery.
My OB was already in the room, but despite knowing her so well, I didn't recognize her in her hair net and face mask. Her eyes were kind and she chatted. The room was FILLED. My OB and her partner (two OBs per policy on a twin delivery). The anesthesiologist. The pediatrician. One nurse for me, one nurse per OB, and one nurse per baby. It was cramped. And chilly. Everyone in the room chatted. About the weather. The music the anesthesiologist had picked. About the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday. At one point, they made sure the banter was not too much for me. I told them I was enjoying it as it was distracting me.
Cue my hubby allowed to come in and cue also the tears. I was stressed and seeing him finally - in his scrubs and hair net - made me sob. He held my hand and talked me through it. They put up the screen. They reminded me I would feel lots of pressure but should feel nothing else.
And then they got started. I started to feel some nausea from the spinal so I got anti-nausea meds in my IV. That made me a little drowsy, but still mostly present.
Then ... HOLY SHIT DID I FEEL PRESSURE. Nothing hurt, but it absolutely felt like someone was giving my abdomen a deep tissue massage. And I could sense when they removed each baby because my abdomen was less cramped and things relaxed in there.
At one point, I said to my OB "I can sort of feel something" and her classic response: "I'm not surprised, I have my hand up to your sternum." EEK!
My hubby didn't want to see anything that was happening behind the screen and I don't blame him. He spent the whole procedure right by me, holding my hand, talking banally about me, reading from Paddington Bear. But my OB wanted him to see two things. She said "_____, look." He said "I don't want to" and she said "oh just look" and she held Baby A up over the screen. My perfect first daughter appeared, all wrinkly and bloody and wet and PERFECT. She was screaming. We were in love. Two minutes later, perfect Baby B appeared over the screen. This time, nobody had to coax my hubby (or me) to look up. She was also screaming, which was music to our ears.
Within a few minutes of being born, each baby was swaddled and given to us. Despite hearing horror stories of c-section women having their arms tied down, mine were free. I was not comfortable holding the babies due to the anti-nausea meds that were still making me kind of drowsy. So hubby held them and I put my hands on them and nuzzled my face up to theirs. I was sewn back up quickly and the 3 of us were wheeled back to my room and we started with breastfeeding immediately. Hubby - who is not normally one to take or think about taking photos - heeded my request to document the first moments. He took some photos with his free hand and then asked the anesthesiologist to snap our first family photo. It is one we have not shared with anyone and it is raw and intimate and amazing. The hair style I had worked on did not matter. My hair was under an operating cap. I did not care. I had my babies and they were perfect.
Back in my hospital room, we were breastfeeding before I could feel the rest of my body. I didn't regain the use of my legs for about 3 hours and wasn't feeling up to attempting to stand up for a few hours after that. The removing of the catheter didn't hurt, but just felt "weird" (that word again). My swelling went temporarily up after all the fluids I was given. I felt very bloated after surgery.
Having a baby (or babies) by c-section can be a terrifying experience, especially when one has hours to contemplate what is about to happen. And it is a HUGE experience. My internal organs were all removed from my body, only to be put back in. My uterus was fucked with in a way that compares only to carrying a twin pregnancy (because, ladies, that sure fucked with my uterus!). My abdomen was cut open and then sewed back up, internally and externally. My body has to "remember" how to urinate and poop, and it has to do that within a day (urinate) or three (poop) or else people get worried.
Addition: I was asked about the incision and recovery time. I will put it in one large paragraph. The incision is right at my pubic hair line. In fact, the nurse shaved a few inches below so it was hairfree for surgery. The incision currently is about 6 inches long but I am told that might shrink down a bit as my belly continues to shrink down. As far as recovery goes, it is important to remember that the process is different for everyone. For me, it has been very easy. I have learned through life that I have a remarkably high pain threshold and was off the Oxy within 48 hours of surgery and off the Ibuprofen within 72 hours of surgery. That is not the case for everyone and if you need more drugs for longer, do not beat yourself up or judge yourself. The pre-infertility me - you know, the one who didn't inject herself with a shit ton of drugs three times a day - rarely even took Advil for a headache. When I had ACL reconstruction, I was off pain meds in 4 days. And I never even took Tylenol or Advil after my D&C last year. It's just how I roll - my dad calls it "the Dutch way" (whatever that means!). So take this part of my blog post with a grain of salt. What I can speak to is that it was highly frustrating being restricted on what I could do for the first few weeks. I was allowed to hold both babies (about 11 pounds of baby at first) but wasn't allowed to do much else. That was hard and I think I probably pushed that envelope more than I should have. Which is partly why I go off pain meds so I can feel what my body is feeling and know the natural limitations it is trying to put in place. I am 4 weeks 2 days from surgery and feel great, other than the fact that my belly still looks about 4 months (with twins) pregnant. My stomach muscles are still spread apart from being pregnant and my uterus is not back to its normal size yet. There is bleeding as part of the recovery. The first few days, I passed very large clots. They didn't hurt - just slipped right out - but were rather astonishing and disconcerting to see in the toilet bowl. I am still bleeding randomly - some days not at all, other days I pass small clots. The amount of bleeding, I have learned, depends on the amount of movement and exercise I do: when I walk the dog quickly for a long walk, for example, I expect to see more bleeding. I have been told by nurses and doctors that is totally normal. I am allowed to take baths and have been for about 2 weeks (haven't had time to take one, though!) and am allowed to start jogging SLOWLY at about 6 weeks post surgery. The same goes for yoga and other exercise. I was warned that an increase in exercise will again increase any bleeding. So there you have it. A paragraph on recovery.
And, as a mother of c-section babies, I feel compelled to say this: having a baby (or babies) via c-section does NOT make me less of a mother or less of a bad ass. It is not something I am ashamed of or that I wish could be different. I heard a song lyric in high school that resonated with me - I love scars and the lyric fit my outlook on life perfectly: "scars are souvenirs you never lose."
I have a souvenir - my c-section scar. I love this souvenir. I have so many invisible scars from the infertility journey - my body and mind were damaged and changed, irreparably in some ways. But those bruises and bumps, scars and souvenirs are invisible to the rest of the world. They sit only with me and, like any bruise or scar, will heal and fade over time. This newest souvenir will also heal, but it will be with me forever and will forever memorialize the conclusion of my journey, the birth of my beloved daughters. It is a natural tattoo, a reminder of what we went through, what we achieved, and how happy we are.
Sunday, December 1, 2013
They are here! 13 days old and sleeping as I type this
You would think that I could have and would have found time to update my blog about the birth of my daughters. But having twin girls, especially late-stage premie twins, means one's time is very limited. I promise to update more and again as we settle more more into a routine and I have some time. For now: two healthy beautiful girls were born on Monday, November 18 at 1:39 pm and 1:41 pm. I was 35w4d pregnant.
Baby A was born first at 5 pounds 8 ounces. Baby B came second at 6 pounds 4 ounces. The c section - planned because my blood pressure was too high to sustain an induction that would likely take a few days (my cervix remained completely closed so would have needed "ripening") - went phenomenally well. Both babies needed only a 3 minute check up (standard for all babies) before being handed to us in the OR. The never left our sides and needed no zero NADA nicu time!!!!! We could not have been more relieved. They are absolutely perfect.
We stayed in the hospital through Friday, taking advantage of lactation consultants and nurse experts. I managed to get off all pain meds by Wednesday, which made me happy and made the nurses gossip about me being tough. I have alway hated pain meds and get off them asap in exchange for feeling the pain and knowing what my body is doing. And I hated the idea of even a minimal amount passing through my breast milk into my gorgeous babies.
We are home, have been for over a week, and are completely in love. We have had 5 of the 7 grandparents visit already which was amazing. Two uncles and their partners visit over the next two weekends. And grandparents are coming back to stay through the new year. So much help, we are lucky!
More soon, I promise.
Baby A was born first at 5 pounds 8 ounces. Baby B came second at 6 pounds 4 ounces. The c section - planned because my blood pressure was too high to sustain an induction that would likely take a few days (my cervix remained completely closed so would have needed "ripening") - went phenomenally well. Both babies needed only a 3 minute check up (standard for all babies) before being handed to us in the OR. The never left our sides and needed no zero NADA nicu time!!!!! We could not have been more relieved. They are absolutely perfect.
We stayed in the hospital through Friday, taking advantage of lactation consultants and nurse experts. I managed to get off all pain meds by Wednesday, which made me happy and made the nurses gossip about me being tough. I have alway hated pain meds and get off them asap in exchange for feeling the pain and knowing what my body is doing. And I hated the idea of even a minimal amount passing through my breast milk into my gorgeous babies.
We are home, have been for over a week, and are completely in love. We have had 5 of the 7 grandparents visit already which was amazing. Two uncles and their partners visit over the next two weekends. And grandparents are coming back to stay through the new year. So much help, we are lucky!
More soon, I promise.
Monday, November 18, 2013
How do you say good bye? (not me)
The cruelty of the fight against infertility never ceases to amaze me. I have been bruised and battered, hardened and hurt, but I have never suffered a 2nd or 3rd (knock on wood) trimester loss. I just cannot imagine the pain or what the recovery period looks like.
Holly at Oh Baby, Baby suffered two 2nd trimester losses within the last 3 weeks, and lost one embryo back at 9 weeks. She lost all her babies, the most recent last night. I only started following her blog recently when someone linked to her and asked for others to lend support (when she lost her daughter, Brinley, at 18 weeks pregnant). Last night, at 21 weeks pregnant, she lost her son, Jude. To add insult to injury, it appears Jude was completely healthy but that Brinley's placenta got infected and caused Jude's loss.
What do you say to someone who lost three embryos / babies in one pregnancy? You remember that was my fear months ago when we were told that at-the-time-baby-A had stopped growing. I was terrified that the remaining two (the embryo that split) would be lost to me. That my loss count would go from 5 to 6 to 8 in one foul swoop. I never (knock on wood) had to "learn" that lesson. Holly did, but in a much more tragic way.
What do you say? I don't know, but I said something in the hopes that knowing she has so much community support will help her in the tiniest of ways. Please go to her blog and, if you can, leave her some kind of message of support.
Holly at Oh Baby, Baby suffered two 2nd trimester losses within the last 3 weeks, and lost one embryo back at 9 weeks. She lost all her babies, the most recent last night. I only started following her blog recently when someone linked to her and asked for others to lend support (when she lost her daughter, Brinley, at 18 weeks pregnant). Last night, at 21 weeks pregnant, she lost her son, Jude. To add insult to injury, it appears Jude was completely healthy but that Brinley's placenta got infected and caused Jude's loss.
What do you say to someone who lost three embryos / babies in one pregnancy? You remember that was my fear months ago when we were told that at-the-time-baby-A had stopped growing. I was terrified that the remaining two (the embryo that split) would be lost to me. That my loss count would go from 5 to 6 to 8 in one foul swoop. I never (knock on wood) had to "learn" that lesson. Holly did, but in a much more tragic way.
What do you say? I don't know, but I said something in the hopes that knowing she has so much community support will help her in the tiniest of ways. Please go to her blog and, if you can, leave her some kind of message of support.
Saturday, November 16, 2013
35+2, hospitalized, still pregnant: an update
Tuesday I had some odd but minor symptoms: 20 seconds of nausea, some discharge, more swelling in my feet. I called into my MFM on Wednesday morning and they told me to come straight in for a blood pressure monitoring and another NST.
40 minutes later, I was hooked up to the NST having clocked a blood pressure of around 140/90. They weren't happy. I lay there for 20 minutes for the NST and then clocked two even higher bp readings: 145/102 was the highest. At that point, they were on the phone to my OB about delivery that day. She was just across the street so I walked over there and met with her. She told me she wanted me admitted to hospital for a c-section that evening or Thursday morning.
She let me run home to let my dog pee, feed the cats and chickens and grab some things for the hospital. She wanted me at the hospital by 1:30 and I got here by 1:15. I was pretty panicked because I was only 34+6 on Wednesday and was so scared of the babies coming out that early.
The oddest thing was that I had NO idea how to get to labor & delivery. Why is that strange? Well, this is exactly where I was September 2012 for my D&C. But I had blocked every. single. thing. from that experience out and even when I was parked and walking to where someone told me to go, I still ended up in the wrong building. I expressed this later to my hubby and he said the same thing happened to him. He had no recollection. We were even on the same ward but it only came back slightly to me once I walked through the locked ward doors and checked in. Interesting how a brain works. That I know, I haven't suppressed any other memories like that and found / find it very interesting that my brain protected me (and continues to protect me) from that memory.
The admitted me and had me lie down for a few hours. My bp by about 3pm was back to the new-normal-that-is-high-but-not-emergency-high. My hubby finished up his work and got here at 4:45 and then my OB showed up at 5. She said based on my bp readings, she no longer wanted to "bring 35 weekers into the world unless absolutely necessary." She ordered a blood panel, an ultrasound and a 24 hour urine catch to see the extent of my preeclampsia. Results were all due back Friday morning. Suddenly, the c-section that was scheduled for 5:15 on Wednesday got pushed until Friday lunchtime at the earliest.
I'll pause here and answer the "why a c-section?" question that many friends have asked so I suspect some of you are wondering. As it turns out, my cervix is a ROCK STAR. At 35 weeks with twins, my cervix is still totally closed. It is apparently in it for the long haul! My OB said it would take days to induce me (to first ripen my cervix and then get labor started) and she didn't think my bp could handle all that. I agreed (remember that I trust this woman implicitly).
Between Wednesday afternoon and Friday morning, they did more blood work, another ultrasound and a 24-hour urine catch to really see what my kidneys are doing as far as protein-in-urine goes. My blood work still looks good and stable and normal. The ultrasound was great. The 24-hour urine catch, however, was off the charts. They apparently want to see a number less than 300 and mine was at 1500. So it was cause for alarm. As I type this, they are redoing it to make sure things haven't become worse. I am in no danger of kidney failure, I am told, but it's still alarming to know my kidneys are taking real beatings right now.
I have been told we are on a day-by-day basis but that we won't be allowed to go past Thursday (36 weeks). So as of today, Saturday, we will have babies in 5 days ... OR LESS!
They're doing non-stress tests twice daily and checking my blood pressure every 4 hours. They'll do another ultrasound tomorrow and a biophysical profile of the babies at that time. And by lunchtime tomorrow, we'll have the blood work (they'll draw tomorrow morning) and the urine results. So we'll get another snapshot of what my body is doing.
For now, I'm trying my best to relax and enjoy my last few days of pregnancy / without children. Friends are stopping by regularly, which is lovely, and my hubby is coming by, too. I have been sending him home at night so he gets a good night's sleep but last night he brought dinner and we sat cuddled up in my hospital bed watching football. It was lovely. I think that'll be our evening routine! He left on Wednesday on paternity leave and we decided he would not go back and instead would just take the week to himself (like I am doing). It'll mean one less week at the other end, but we both think it's important and worth it for him to have some down time and prep time before the babies come.
More soon!
40 minutes later, I was hooked up to the NST having clocked a blood pressure of around 140/90. They weren't happy. I lay there for 20 minutes for the NST and then clocked two even higher bp readings: 145/102 was the highest. At that point, they were on the phone to my OB about delivery that day. She was just across the street so I walked over there and met with her. She told me she wanted me admitted to hospital for a c-section that evening or Thursday morning.
She let me run home to let my dog pee, feed the cats and chickens and grab some things for the hospital. She wanted me at the hospital by 1:30 and I got here by 1:15. I was pretty panicked because I was only 34+6 on Wednesday and was so scared of the babies coming out that early.
The oddest thing was that I had NO idea how to get to labor & delivery. Why is that strange? Well, this is exactly where I was September 2012 for my D&C. But I had blocked every. single. thing. from that experience out and even when I was parked and walking to where someone told me to go, I still ended up in the wrong building. I expressed this later to my hubby and he said the same thing happened to him. He had no recollection. We were even on the same ward but it only came back slightly to me once I walked through the locked ward doors and checked in. Interesting how a brain works. That I know, I haven't suppressed any other memories like that and found / find it very interesting that my brain protected me (and continues to protect me) from that memory.
The admitted me and had me lie down for a few hours. My bp by about 3pm was back to the new-normal-that-is-high-but-not-emergency-high. My hubby finished up his work and got here at 4:45 and then my OB showed up at 5. She said based on my bp readings, she no longer wanted to "bring 35 weekers into the world unless absolutely necessary." She ordered a blood panel, an ultrasound and a 24 hour urine catch to see the extent of my preeclampsia. Results were all due back Friday morning. Suddenly, the c-section that was scheduled for 5:15 on Wednesday got pushed until Friday lunchtime at the earliest.
I'll pause here and answer the "why a c-section?" question that many friends have asked so I suspect some of you are wondering. As it turns out, my cervix is a ROCK STAR. At 35 weeks with twins, my cervix is still totally closed. It is apparently in it for the long haul! My OB said it would take days to induce me (to first ripen my cervix and then get labor started) and she didn't think my bp could handle all that. I agreed (remember that I trust this woman implicitly).
Between Wednesday afternoon and Friday morning, they did more blood work, another ultrasound and a 24-hour urine catch to really see what my kidneys are doing as far as protein-in-urine goes. My blood work still looks good and stable and normal. The ultrasound was great. The 24-hour urine catch, however, was off the charts. They apparently want to see a number less than 300 and mine was at 1500. So it was cause for alarm. As I type this, they are redoing it to make sure things haven't become worse. I am in no danger of kidney failure, I am told, but it's still alarming to know my kidneys are taking real beatings right now.
I have been told we are on a day-by-day basis but that we won't be allowed to go past Thursday (36 weeks). So as of today, Saturday, we will have babies in 5 days ... OR LESS!
They're doing non-stress tests twice daily and checking my blood pressure every 4 hours. They'll do another ultrasound tomorrow and a biophysical profile of the babies at that time. And by lunchtime tomorrow, we'll have the blood work (they'll draw tomorrow morning) and the urine results. So we'll get another snapshot of what my body is doing.
For now, I'm trying my best to relax and enjoy my last few days of pregnancy / without children. Friends are stopping by regularly, which is lovely, and my hubby is coming by, too. I have been sending him home at night so he gets a good night's sleep but last night he brought dinner and we sat cuddled up in my hospital bed watching football. It was lovely. I think that'll be our evening routine! He left on Wednesday on paternity leave and we decided he would not go back and instead would just take the week to himself (like I am doing). It'll mean one less week at the other end, but we both think it's important and worth it for him to have some down time and prep time before the babies come.
More soon!
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