11,954

Still going up! Beta today was a good number - 11,954 (Friday's was 4499).

I have never ever ever been this far pregnant with my own eggs. Yes, this far is "only" 6 weeks tomorrow, but still uncharted territory for me.

I had chemicals - I never made it past my missed period before my betas were already on the plummet with those. My ectopic was caught and terminated by 5&4 (or 5&2).

So today ... 5&6 ... is new terrain for my body. I called my MFM and my OB to ask whether I should get on a low dose progesterone, just for "shits and giggles" and to play things safe. Should hear back soon, I hope. But even if I don't hear back or am told "no," my decision is to just let nature take its course on this one.

Ultrasound set for 10/28. We'll see what happens between now and then, and on that day.

4499

Our journey to a family consisted of:

3 chemicals
1 ectopic
1 failure of an IVF cycle using my own eggs
1 failure of a donor egg IVF cycle that resulted in a 9 week miscarriage
1 beautiful perfect donor egg IVF cycle that resulted in the precious, perfect, amazing identical twin girls just going down for a nap in the other room (but a loss, because both embryos started growing but one stopped while the other split).

Today, one week and one day shy of their 11 month birthday, I got a call. From our former MFM office. With an hcg beta blood test result.

I am pregnant.

Spontaneously.

Accidentally.

Approximately - because I have NO idea when I ovulated - 5 1/2 weeks pregnant.

I don't know how. Well, I do know the "how" details, but I can't believe the "how" details.

Since peeing on two sticks yesterday and seeing the pregnant line show up before the control line, I have done some research. My Google topics included "pregnant after donor egg IVF." Turns out there is some blossoming but limited research on the idea that women who go through IVF - even a failed cycle - are more likely to get pregnant in the next 6 years than if they don't do an IVF cycle - again, this includes a failed IVF cycle. The research suggests that something about being pregnant "teaches" the body what to do. This is especially the case in women with PCOS, the idea being that being pregnant gives the endometrium a break so the many months post partum, the body is ready to be pregnant again.

Truly fascinating stuff.

The part that being pregnant CANNOT teach a body is about increasing egg quality.

So ... I go back for the standard second blood draw on Monday. Then an ultrasound. And then, should we get that far - we never ever ever have been even this far with my own eggs - we will do genetic screening and the materni21T test (or something like that).

For now. HOLY SHIT I AM PREGNANT. I am "that person." Sleeping donor egg twins (well, they're not quite sleeping, more like squealing and chatting and talking and NOT sleeping) next door and a "bun in the oven."

WOW.

Nursery / diaper bag essentials

Totally random post, but I remember when I was about to become a mom, I sent an email to my two SiLs asking them "what do you put in your diaper bag?" It was probably a silly question to them but they responded kindly and told me. I thought I would write it out for all upcoming moms so you know what to put in your diaper bag (and some nursery arrangement essentials).

I am not a stuff person. My diaper bag for my twins is small, a singleton size in fact. It's by Skip Hop and I love it.

In it (some things are double because I have two babies):

--- two extra pairs of pants
--- two sets of baby socks (in case they get cold)
--- two extra onesies (long sleeved because if it's really that hot, they can either not wear pants or not wear a onesie at all)
--- travel diaper wipes (about 4 of the slim 10-piece packs)
--- about 6 diapers
--- diaper cream
--- a travel change pad
--- a burp cloth or two
--- a few random small toys they don't usually use but are there just in case
--- a small thing of hand sanitizer
--- (just added, now that they're older) ties that connect toys to high chairs so if dropped they aren't lost
--- two bibs
--- their medical insurance card (just in case)

For the nursery, I have only one suggestion:

Have anything and everything you might need in a diaper explosion emergency RIGHT AT YOUR CHANGE STATION. Most people have drawers under their change pad. In those drawers, you want things that you will need in an instant, things you don't want to have to walk across the room for if you have a diaper explosion and poop is literally everywhere and you need a full change of everything nearby. Such as:

--- diapers and wipes (I always have two extra packets of wipes in the drawer and restock immediately - this way, if I use the last wipe in a diaper explosion, I am guaranteed to find more in the drawer)
--- onesies
--- pants
--- pyjamas (in case your explosion happens at night!)
--- diaper rash cream (again, in case you run out)

On our change table, we have a big thing of hand sanitizer. We bought it in November and it's not even a quarter gone, so we don't use it very often. But when we have had poop explosions and have used a diaper wipe to clean the poop off our hands, it sure is nice to use the hand sanitizer before touching a baby!

We also have a couple of small toys on our change table. Our girls are 9 months old (almost) and are crawling and starting to stand up. They do not want to be on their backs, so they try to roll onto their tummies every. single. diaper. change. A toy handy keeps them distracted and on their backs for the few seconds we need to finish up putting a diaper back on!

And, PLEASE, get into the habit of one cardinal rule: never ever ever leave your baby on the change table for even a second. Start this on day 1 when they are just little blobs who just lie there (also, little blobs who just lie there sometimes startle and could fall off). But if you get into the habit of never EVER doing it for even a second, when your baby suddenly rolls for the first time, you won't have to retrain yourself. Seriously, institute it and demand it of anyone who ever ever changes your baby.

I really do mean it, I wouldn't change a thing

Met a friend at the park yesterday. She had her adorable 3 month old son with her. We got to talking and she asked something about how I made the decision to go DE.

I was honest - you've heard it before: how I wanted the shot at experiencing pregnancy and that was more important to me than silly DNA.

I got home from our playdate. With my girls. My daughters. The lights of my life. And I hugged them and smelled them and felt their silky soft cheek skin against mine while they snuggled (before squirming and wriggling). They nursed, as they always do before their nap time, and I stroked their heads. I watched as their long eyelashed lids became heavy and they started to doze off. I tickled them to keep them awake. I took them into their room and put them down for their much-deserved nap. I watched them on the monitor while they giggled and cooed and rolled around and fell asleep.

And then I sat down.

And I focused on how full my heart felt and how wide my smile was.

I told my friend yesterday that I wouldn't change a thing - even their DNA - if I could. And that is true. I told her that I am not hoping for a spontaneous pregnancy (with my own DNA). And that is true. (truth be told I am terrified of a spontaneous pregnancy for a shit ton of reasons, not all physical) I told her that I think of our two frozen embryos as "my kids" and "my kids' siblings." And that is true.

I would not change a thing. Not a damn thing. Even if I was given the option of two perfect, loving, cute, sweet ID twin girls who happen to share my DNA. Nope. Not even then.

My heart, my family, my life is full. Overflowing, in fact.

The end.

Adjusting for prematurity

When my babies were born at 35&4, I had heard the term "adjusting for prematurity" a lot. My attitude towards it: "awww hell no!" especially when my girls came out screaming and pink and healthy and needed no NICU time.

This attitude continued for a while. At our 3 month check up, they were 5% weight ... unless we adjusted, in which case they were 85% weight. But I did not want to adjust. So I went home with babies on the 5th percentile line.

When both of my daughters rolled over at exactly the 4 month mark, I sent an email with the video I captured saying "don't you label me a preemie!" (our pediatrician had told me at the 3 month check up that most babies roll at or by 4 months but she didn't expect ours to because they were a month early).

But then I started paying attention to two friends who had more-than-full-term babies. One was born at 41 weeks and the other at 42 weeks.

Those babies had FIVE and SIX extra weeks of womb time than my girls. And you know what, they are more advanced than my girls. Not my adjusted girls. But my born-at-35&4 girls.

When I was in hospital waiting to deliver, everyone kept saying (even my OB) "every extra day in the womb means you skip 2 NICU days." Why? Well, babies belong in the womb until at least 40 weeks and they develop faster in their natural habitat. So if they come early - even 4 weeks early and pink and screaming and healthy - they have still missed out on some key womb time.

It's why my babies had trouble nursing - they had not learned the important suck-swallow-breathe mechanism that comes ... wait for it ... in the last month of gestation.

It's why my babies came out with a layer of thick dark hair all over them. That stuff sheds off ... wait for it ... in the last month-plus of gestation.

I have come to think about it this way: if I was told I had a biology course from September to May and that I would have a final exam on all material covered in those months, but then I was out sick the whole month of May, well, I would not have as much information or knowledge as someone who was in school the month of May. I'm not dumber. I just missed some key learning time. And, likely, it would take me more time to try to learn the stuff on my own than by being taught it in a classroom of peers. The metaphor kind of falls apart at the "of peers" statement except that I did carry twins. Ha!

Anyway, I am now totally ok with adjusting. My girls are still hitting most milestones right when a full term baby hits them, but I don't expect them to, and I certainly do not expect them to be where my friends' 41 and 42 week babies are (one is standing on her own at 11 months and about to walk).

That's all!

Added a "Twins (or more) blogs!" list

Being a twin mom (or a mom to more than twins!) can be very isolating. And I suspect it is very different from being a mom to a singleton (at least that is what I have noticed). Having two babies often means being less willing / able / brave to go places. Breastfeeding two babies means never (at least I never do it!) breastfeeding in public because I always tandem breastfeed. So while I get out of the house each and every day, I take walking trips and schedule the trips between meals. We go tons of places because we live very urban, but we are always home for the next meal. It will be that way until I am done breastfeeding.

As such, I don't go to restaurants and to the mall or for a walk along the riverfront with friends who have one baby.

So it can be isolating.

And having twins *usually* means they came a bit (if not a lot) early so it's hard to stop comparing their developmental milestones with those of a singleton who was full term or even a week or two late (it makes a different, I have noticed, and plan on blogging about that later).

Anyway, I started a blog list of blogs written by moms (or dads!) of multiples. I've added a bunch but if you follow my blog and don't see yours there, please stick it in the comment section so I can add it.

I am very very very outspoken amongst moms of multiples I know here that we need each other because of how damn crazy it is to have more than one baby. I think it would be great to have an online list of other twin moms, even if it's just to check in online and read a blog of someone else doing what you're doing!

Breastfeeding. Is. HARD!

We took so many classes preparing for these babies. We took infant CPR. We took a 4-night class on childbirth that talked about breastfeeding. We took a twins-specific class that talked about breastfeeding twins / multiples.

At none of these classes - and both the childbirth class and the twins class were taught by lactation consultants - and NONE of these classes did anyone ever mention how. damn. HARD. breastfeeding is.

Sure, at one of the childbirth classes a woman asked about having an alcoholic drink while breastfeeding. She mentioned "should I pump and dump" as part of her question.

The response: No, as long as you don't feel tipsy, you're fine to breastfeed.

Do you want to know what the response *should* have been??

First of all, fireworks and party streamers should have shot out of the lactation consultant's ass.

Then, from atop her speaking pedestal, she should have said:

NO! YOU DON'T PUMP AND DUMP. THAT SHIT THAT YOU PUMP IS LIQUID FUCKING GOLD. IT WILL BE HARD TO COME BY AND YOU PROBABLY WILL NOT BE ONE OF THOSE LUCKY WOMEN WHO PRODUCES MORE THAN SHE OR ANY OF HER FOURTEEN BABIES NEEDS. SAVE THAT SHIT.

This response should have been followed by:

BREASTFEEDING IS HARD. Really REALLY REALLY hard. You know those movies you see where beautiful women have their beautiful babies brought to them for a quick and easy latch and a full meal immediately? Well, that probably won't happen.

Instead, you'll have one or more of the following happen. Not necessarily all at once, and not necessarily at the beginning. But you probably will deal with one or more of the following:

--- raw, sore nipples
--- bleeding nipples
--- thrush (on your nipples and / or in baby's mouth)
--- tongue tie / lip tie (baby's condition, easily fixable but often overlooked)
--- low supply / no supply
--- preemie who is too sleepy to latch and / or suck hard
--- preemie who hasn't learned how to suck / swallow / breathe yet
--- a fussy baby who can't deal with either (1) your low supply or (2) your fast flow so s/he chokes
--- food allergies with your baby so s/he is literally allergic to your breast milk (and you will have to cut out almost everything in your diet to slowly add it back in to hopefully see what the problem is)

If you have low supply and you want to build it up, you'll have to do something like this (if you're hard core about it, which I was):

Step 1: nurse baby
Step 2: supplement baby (with bottle of formula or previously-pumped liquid gold)
Step 3: pass baby off to someone or leave baby sleeping while you furiously pump after every. fucking. nursing session.
Step 4: repeat. repeat. repeat.

You get it.

If you're lucky, which I was, your body will respond to the message you're desperately trying to send and you will start to produce more. But it doesn't happen overnight. I was pumping 8-10 times a day since day 1 and it wasn't until week 6 or 7 that I was producing enough breast milk to feed both babies.

Many women, however, are not so lucky. They sweat and cry and perhaps bleed trying to get more milk but it never happens.

And nobody mentioned this to me: as a final punch to the gut on its way out of dodge, infertility can cause problems with breastfeeding and supply. Mother f'er!

This question was asked at most classes: "Who plans on breastfeeding?" Most, if not all (this is Portland, Oregon after all!), women raised their hands. You know what should have come next?

Same fireworks and streamers, same pedestal. Then: WELL YOU MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO.

Or you might get so upset and stressed that you quit after a short period of time.

And even if you are so diligent about breastfeeding and pumping, you might STILL have to become best friends with Gerber or Similac or some other formula company because you will need it.

I have mentioned it here before. I threatened to quit breastfeeding no less than 6 times a day, probably more, the first few weeks. The monotony of it. The regularity of it. The stress of it. The only reason I am still - at almost 8 months post partum - breastfeeding is that my darling husband helped me / urged me / pushed me to continue. He had a right to express what he wanted for his babies, and it was that they get breast milk.

I am glad I continued.

Even still, though, some days I cannot wait to quit and think I'll quit tomorrow / next week / next month / when I go back to work on September 2. Other days, I think "oh, I can totally do this until they're 2 years old."

People. Breastfeeding is a total mindfuck and chances are your insurance company will NOT cover an in-home lactation consultant's support.

That said, if you have the funds (or if you don't, ask for it at your showers / from your family), get an in-home lactation consultant to come in.