Have you ever had one of those days? Where bad news and bad things seem to happen all in one day?
I have had months of GOOD days. I credit that mostly to the monthly big resolve group meetings, plus the monthly small resolve group get-togethers a few of us are doing, plus the weekly yoga for fertility, plus the long walks I've been taking. I have been doing really well and my home-life has been wonderful - meaning no fighting, no mood swings and just a general good feeling.
Then yesterday happened. I suspected it might be a bad day when I (1) forgot the latte I just ordered was in my bike water bottle holder and when I hung my bike up at work it went flying and spilled everywhere, and (2) I thought my 10 am plea before a judge was at 11 am so I was late to court (for the first time in years).
Then I logged into Facebook for some random reason. And saw a pregnancy annoucement by a woman who just moved to Portland. She is the friend of a woman I knew in middle school - that woman contacted me through Facebook and asked me to help "Ann" get acclimated to Portland. We hung out a few times and she invited us over for dinner. We had to reschedule a few months back and it's set for THIS Saturday. She is now pregnant, due in August. I do NOT want to go over for dinner mainly because she's not someone I really care that much about and so putting the energy into being ok around her doesn't seem worth it. I happen to know that her first child was conceived with the help of Clomid, so she understands IF. And I know they've been trying for # 2 for a little while. But it still stings and I still don't want to go over there and pretend.
Then I had lunch with a friend. This friend has been VERY VERY VERY supportive of me and knows our whole journey. She follows this blog and my previous blog, too. She and her wife got pregnant November 2011 and had their goregous son in August 2012. My friend got pregnant on the first time, and they did an at-home insemination. They are now considering # 2. She lamented that "having a baby is expensive." I didn't know what she meant so she explained the airfare and hotel for the sperm donor (a family member) and his wife and the equipment for an at-home insemination.
To her, it must be frustrating to have to spend around $1000 to have a baby when it is for some heterosexual couples totally free. I understand that frustration and that they have to budget for it when they try for # 2.
To me, however, it made me think about the upwards-of-$45,000 we have spent and are still empty at home. It made me so so so sad to think about my own situation. I wasn't made or angry at her and appreciate her feeling comfortable to talk to me about her woes. But on top of the already tough-ish morning, it sat with me.
Then ... and this is what sealed the coffin ... I watched an episode of Parenthood. Hubby and I discovered this show a few weeks back and have had fun watching episodes on our ipad. Hubby was at a firm dinner and had seen this episode the night before (while I was sleeping!) so I watched it. It's the second-to-last episode in season 3. The episode when Julia rushes to the hospital and helps with the birth of the baby boy she thinks she's adopting. The episode when Joel and Sidney then show up to meet the baby and take him home. The episode when the birth mother changes her mind and leaves Joel, Julie and Sidney high and dry. The episode when Julia shuts herself in an empty hospital room and sobs and sobs and sobs.
That episode was too much for me. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed along with her. That episode was so real and raw and perfectly embodied all the fears I have with adoption. I texted hubby "I can't survive that" meaning don't let that happen to us.
By the time he got home, I was in a right state and wouldn't even talk to him. I just needed "to go to bed" and did so. This morning, my mood wasn't a whole lot better.
It is amazing the difference a day can make. I need to right my ship, get my feet back underneath me, and get through this spot. It feels like a setback but I need to just power through it and focus on ME and US and not worry about others.
Finally, it's important to me that my previous post not get overlooked, so if you haven't already read my post about how trading IF drugs is illegal, please read this: http://readyformyturn.blogspot.com/2013/01/trading-if-drugs-online-very-dangerous.html