Wednesday, March 6, 2013

I'm suppressed!

Had my official suppression check yesterday. I'm suppressed.

But that's not what I want to blog about. While lying awake early this morning with a pounding multi-day Lupron-induced headache, I had an epiphany. It involves my sister.

My thoughts of her getting pregnant first, it turns out, are NOT about me wanting to be first or jealous that it might come easily to her. I was cloaking it in those emotions and feelings, but at the heart of it is FEAR. FEAR that she'll get pregnant first and the monster that lives inside of me will return. Those of you who followed my old blog will remember me blogging about the temper tantrums I threw and how I literally broke and smashed things in my house a couple of times upon learning my SiL or friend was pregnant. That behavior was at the very end of a period of anger and sadness that overcame me and turned me into a rage-filled angry human (which I am not usually). That phase of my infertility journey ended shortly after then (the end was back in fall 2011) and has not returned even once or even slightly since then. I have felt free from the monster who moved in and lurked for about a year, ruining friendships and relationships.

My FEAR is that the monster will return and, instead of happiness or simply envy when my sister announces her pregnancy, I will become a rage-filled angry human again and that I will forever have memories of doing and saying terrible things about her and her annoucement.

I love my sister more than just about anything. I have never once before wished her ill and have always supported her and wanted the best for her. I do not want that to change. She is my baby sister, my only sibling.

Now that I recognize the FEAR, I think I can handle it. Cope with it. Put it to bed and bed done with it. That's the plan, at least.


  1. Helpful post. So often it's feeling feelings associated with an event as much as an event. Good on you for taming the beast! And congrats on suppression!

  2. I really enjoyed reading your post today. I am going through so many different emotions right now. Fear is a big one.

    I am so excited for you though and want this so much for you!

  3. blogging is so great for realizations and self reflection like this. self awareness is the first and most important step and you are there! you should be proud of yourself! this will help you cope and deal and ensure that you are able to maintain this important relationship!!

  4. Hoping all goes well and that your FEAR stays mild at the most.

  5. I can totally relate to the anger, because I think it's where I was for much of last year. But you know, even the anger isn't really anger, it's just an expression of the grief and the fear. I am glad you feel you're mastering it. I agree with Kimberly above, blogging has been a great way to overcome that. I hope it goes according to your plan. Hugs.

  6. I am so glad you are suppressed!!!!!!!!!!!!
    And you can get through this, if I can imbrace and being the push pal for my brother GF new baby being born on my due date- you can do this!! TRUST ME!.... I know you can... this is your blood, your sis, it feels like fear but it's the fear of the unknown that scares us the most, once you know it will be easier to manage, but you cannot be afraid of a baby, you have to remain calm, because you are SUPPRESSED!! MUM HERE YOU COME! you are going to get pregnant, she may not be rushing right now, yes her job situation is ideal but who says that she is emotionally ready for all of this- you can talk the talk but can you walk the walk - you did sister!... you have battled and been there done that- that then some. You are amazing, strong and 1000x the women and mother of anyone- she is still your sis and I know you love her and she will be looing up to you for guidance and help, you are going to be okay, we are all here for support and know that if you want to break something, break it.... maybe an egg? then promptly eat it.... I love the way it feels to throw an egg... i don;t like wasting them but it's soooooo stress releasing - or a glass, love a good beer bottle toss- haha! Or better yet go for a run, RELAX... xoxoxoxo

  7. Your post her partially inspired my most recent post, about the fears I had about missing out on the first Grandchild and how different things are than I expected. FYI :)

  8. ugh - so annoyed that I keep missing your posts! Last I saw was the SIS. Awesome that you are suppressed, way ahead of last time. I totally understand the fear....nothing worse than feeling unhappy about other people's happy moments. It sucks to be angry about something you should be happy about. I do hope, if nothing else, that it takes your sister a few tries so that she can just get the tiniest idea of where you are at and be a little more understanding. But then, that you can be pregnant together (her child to be born a few months after yours obviously :)).