Had my official suppression check yesterday. I'm suppressed.
But that's not what I want to blog about. While lying awake early this morning with a pounding multi-day Lupron-induced headache, I had an epiphany. It involves my sister.
My thoughts of her getting pregnant first, it turns out, are NOT about me wanting to be first or jealous that it might come easily to her. I was cloaking it in those emotions and feelings, but at the heart of it is FEAR. FEAR that she'll get pregnant first and the monster that lives inside of me will return. Those of you who followed my old blog will remember me blogging about the temper tantrums I threw and how I literally broke and smashed things in my house a couple of times upon learning my SiL or friend was pregnant. That behavior was at the very end of a period of anger and sadness that overcame me and turned me into a rage-filled angry human (which I am not usually). That phase of my infertility journey ended shortly after then (the end was back in fall 2011) and has not returned even once or even slightly since then. I have felt free from the monster who moved in and lurked for about a year, ruining friendships and relationships.
My FEAR is that the monster will return and, instead of happiness or simply envy when my sister announces her pregnancy, I will become a rage-filled angry human again and that I will forever have memories of doing and saying terrible things about her and her annoucement.
I love my sister more than just about anything. I have never once before wished her ill and have always supported her and wanted the best for her. I do not want that to change. She is my baby sister, my only sibling.
Now that I recognize the FEAR, I think I can handle it. Cope with it. Put it to bed and bed done with it. That's the plan, at least.