Today is (one of) my due date(s)

March 17, 2012, was one of my due dates. I only know two of them exactly (today and April 7, 2013). My IVF due date, had it worked, would have been sometime in October 2012. My first chemical, which is the only chemical I bothered figuring out a due date for, was sometime in August 2011 (I have forgotten the exact date). I figured it out for that chemical because I had no idea it was a chemical and was naive and thought a positive pregnancy test would mean a take-home baby for me. By the time of my other two chemicals, no part of me was excited at the positive pee stick.

Today was especially hard last year, but the sting has been taken out it seems. I haven't cried and have only thought about it about a million times (I joke) leading up to today and only a few times already this morning. I could have a 1 year old / almost 1 year old if only my ectopic had implanted in the right spot (oh, and had kept growing for 9 1/2 months!).

I'm quite sure that being in the middle of a cycle is also helping to take the sting out of today.

But in general, due dates SUCK. As if the loss, sadness and disappointment isn't enough, the due date rolls around just in time to take that healing wound and scrape the thick scab off in a second. We know the due date is coming. It doesn't sneak up on us. Which is almost worse because (if you're like me) we think about it leading up to the actual due date. And, if your life is anything like mine, you can't talk about it with your hubby. I am 100% positive that my hubby has no idea today is one of our due dates (if you know him, PLEASE DO NOT SAY ANYTHING TO HIM). He has moved on from that July 2011 experience and while he knew at one point we had a March 17, 2012 due date, that date would have left his brain sometime in the summer of 2011. He is not a date / numbers person to begin with and he is also REMARKABLY good at moving on and forward from impossible places. While that is great for him and for us as a couple, it does mean I am feeling quite alone today.

I've stopped playing the what if game as much as I used to. But today a "what if" just went flying through my head as I type this. What if that summer had brought us a baby. And then the imagine goes crazy with all the cool things that would have happened over the last 20 months.

I leave you with a BEAUTIFUL video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=agtOCUp-dBU

This couple, who is beautiful and almost certainly famous, talks about their 6 year battle with infertility. Around 6 minutes, he makes some awesome statements about feeling ashamed and then around 7:15 she talks beautiful things. They ended up using donor eggs, so this video is near and dear to my heart. It had me in tears for joy and also FEAR. What if this NEVER works for me. We did donor egg once and look what happened - complete disaster. OH SHIT what if this never works.

Lining check on Tuesday.