The unexpected 4th option (ultrasound, 6w5d)

Hubby and I walked into the ultrasound this morning and I said "we've got three options: 0 in there, 1 in there, 2 in there still." He looked at me like I was insane for pointing out the obvious. Then I said, "I suppose there's a 4th option, and things are delayed and we have to come back." We talked that fourth option out a bit and then tossed it aside because it didn't much sense.

Never in a million years did we expect the fourth option we did get.

You'll remember that we had 2 in there just 10 days ago: baby A and baby B.

Sadly, baby A had no heartbeat today.

But there are still two in there.

That's right, baby B split, and we now have B1 and B2.

All three (including A) measured 6w4d. The Bs had heartbeats of 113 and 123 bpm.

I'm not going to lie. I am freaked out beyond belief. One has died already, making me wonder if my body is killing off these pregnancies like it has in the past. Will I lose 3 this time, just 2 or just the 1? Will I get a take-home baby out of this? I felt somewhat confident last week that we would - now my confidence is shaken.

I am also freaked out about the idea of identical twins. I know two women who went through Twin on Twin Transfusion Syndrome (read here). It's very scary. One friend wasn't diagnosed in time and while she gave birth to two girls, one was severely disabled and died at 18 months old (the other little girl is perfect). The other friend was diagnosed early and underwent a surgery that worked (it can trigger pre-term labor). She has two beautiful girls who are almost 2 years old.

I know I'm getting ahead of myself. That by next Monday (my next ultrasound), this could all be over. Or there could only be one in there still.

That all said, I have also come to realize that this (so far) is the best possible outcome for today. If we'd gone in and baby A had died but only baby B was left, I would be terrified that my body was killing pregnancies and B would be dead soon. I would be close to certifiable by now.

If we'd gone in and all three were beating happily away, we would have had to think about selective reduction (that was the first thing that went through my head when she announced there was a split - we have to terminate one, we can't have triplets - too dangerous and too great a risk of losing all three). So fortunately that is not a decision we have to make.

And, while identical twins are scary (TTTS) and it might have been more ideal to see a dead identical twin and then the other B plus A still beating, that isn't an option. That's not our journey.

So, other than shock for the rarity of a split embryo, plus the sadness for losing baby A, plus the fear of what's to come next, I think this is about as good an outcome as possible.

We go back next Monday at 11:30 for another u/s - to check on B1 and B2 and to confirm that A is in fact done / dead / disappearing.

 

Didn't see this twist coming.

 

Here they are (sadly, no picture of the two of them in the same sac - they do share a sac, though - "nice and cozy" as my mum said): **

 

B1 crown rump length (CRL) (named A on this, but I like B1 better):

 

B1 heartbeat (113 bmp):

B2 CRL:

B2 heartbeat (123 bmp):

 

** the pics all say I am 6w6d, but that is wrong. I am actually only 6w5d.

Getting into a group just to get out of it

When I started blogging some 27 months ago, I felt very alone. At that point, I only knew of one friend who went through infertility. She got pregnant on her first IVF and now has twins. I started blogging so I could meet other women who were struggling. I wanted to help them and have them help me. I didn't want to feel so alone anymore.

Over the next 20 months, I blogging became my community. A few of those women became close friends (even though I've never met most of them in person).  Still, though, I felt entirely alone in my struggles on a daily basis.

Then, post September's miscarriage, I dragged myself (quite literally) to the local resolve group. Overnight, my world opened up. I met strong, beautiful, smart, independent women who were all struggling with IF, too. They became friends, but unlike my bloggy friends, they are right here and I see them regularly. Four of us started a small "mini resolve" group and decided to meet one other time in the month. That small group has grown now to 13 women and we revolve the meetings around our homes. We laugh SO much at these meetings and share so much. We help each other.

I also have become active in a Facebook group that one of my bloggy friends developed. Again, another group of women to lend me regular support. And then there's the amazing yoga for fertility class I've been attending (with the same mini resolve women) since December.

All of this has been amazing ... until now. Now that I am hopefully crossing over into the world of pregnant / maintaining a pregnancy / mommy, I am again feeling rather alone. There isn't a real life group for "pregnancy after infertility." There isn't anyone I can really talk to about the absolute terror that runs through my heart and mind on a regular basis. Sure, I could show up at a pre-natal yoga class, but I would fit in there about as well as if I showed up with my pet donkey (I don't actually have a pet donkey). For many women who have not experienced infertility, peeing on a stick means taking home a baby. If I showed up now, at 6 weeks pregnant, I would be terrified of moving too quickly or saying "I'm pregnant" aloud for fear the pregnancy gods would shoot fire arrows into my uterus, killing everything in sight.

I am back to feeling kind of alone. Two women I know from resolve who are now each 5 months pregnant suggested we start a "pregnancy after infertility" support group. I love that idea, but as I told them, I am not ready to be there. I haven't graduated from infertility yet (hell, I may never) and by the time I get there, they'll need an "impending child birth" support group!

The amazing IRL women who attend yoga and resolve are so supportive. I am still going to those activities and they are so excited for me, just as I have been excited for past resolve members who have crossed over. But still, it is not a totally appropriate place to share. To someone not pregnant, hearing a pregnant woman express fear of what might go wrong will make intellectual sense. But the non-pregnant woman would do anything to be pregnant, facing those fears. And then there's always the risk of hurting someone. At last week's big resolve group, there were two new women, each of whom has been fighting IF for 5 years. I'd never met them before and I chose not to mention that I'm pregnant. I could have told them "I've been through 3 1/2 years of this shit, with 3 chemicals, an ectopic, a failed IVF and a 9 week miscarriage" but I fear they would still only hear "I'm pregnant." They don't know me from Arthur and to the, I would just be "that pregnant woman."

Those of us who join these kinds of support groups join with the hopes and dreams of unjoining. Of getting out. And that is sad. These women have become my support and I theirs. But at the heart of it, we are all hoping that "this month's meeting will be my last." That is a sad realization.

So, too, is the realization that I am back to feeling very alone. And terrified.

Ultrasound on April 30.

5w1d ultrasound report

I don't even know where to start typing. We are over the moon happy and excited. I am in love. We saw two gestational sacs today and, unexpectedly (because it's so early), we saw two fetuses. As of today, 5w1d pregnant, we are having twins.

They are both measuring slightly ahead of schedule, with measurements of either 5w4d or 5w5d.

We have been here before. They diagnosed my ectopic at 5w2d in July 2011 and we got to 9w2d last summer before learning our bean no longer had a heartbeat. We both know there is a lot of territory, chartered and unchartered, ahead of us. But, today, 5w1d and April 19, 2013, we are having twins.

Without further ado, here are the ultraound pictures:

Baby A, the "crown rump length" (aka the fetus) - measuring at 5w5d

Baby A, gestational sac (also 5w5d)

Baby B, crown rump length (5w5d)

Baby B, gestational sac (5w4d)

And, with Baby B looking like a ghost from the old school game Pac Man, Baby A and Baby B!

5 weeks today

I am 5 weeks pregnant today. Most fertile women don't even know they're pregnant at this point, or are just finding out because their period is a little late. I, on the other hand, have known - and worried - about my pregnancy for almost 2 weeks already.

Today also marks the half way point (I hope) of my shots. I am set to stop them, provided things continue to go well, at the 10 week mark - May 23. While these shots are really getting tough and my body is hurting from them, I really really really hope I get to continue for another 5 weeks. There would be no silver lining or positive emotions about being told I "get" to finish the shots early. That would mean another dead pregnancy and I do not want that.

Last weekend, I had a huge lump on my left hip. I called into my clinic and heard from the nurse on call. She thought it was probably the medication that got stuck in my muscle and didn't move through. The hard lump (about the size of a 4 year old's fist) was hot but not red (that made the nurse happy). In the event that it got red, she suggested I take a permanent marker and draw around it to make sure the redness is not spreading. She then suggested (and this has been tough) that I avoid the left side for a while and do all my shots on my right side. <swallow hard> Finally, she suggested I put heat on the lump and massage it to try to move the medication through. Essentially, I have mastitis. Fortunately, almost a week later, the tips she gave me have worked. I've also been heating the right side to make sure that side doesn't blow up from taking all shots (including two IM shots on Sunday and Wednesday). So far, the right side is being a champ and is holding up.

My ultrasound is tomorrow. I am very hopeful, given my symptoms, for good news. As other bloggers have said "one more sleep 'til ultrasound."

Exhausted

I'm only 5 weeks tomorrow and already - unlike my last two non-chemical pregnancies - I am EXHAUSTED. I have taken a nap every day after work. I get home from walking the dogs (we have a foster dog currently) and literally climb into bed. It isn't long before I drift off for a nap which is usually disturbed by a phone call. I'm not sure how long I'd sleep if undisturbed, but it's probably good that I don't get to sleep for hours just to try to go to bed at a regular hour.

The insomnia has subsided a bit. I was awake last night at 1:30 and got up to pee. But I was able to get back to sleep, woke up at 6:15, and then got back into bed after letting the dogs pee. I fell back asleep until 7.

I am loving this exhaustion, as much as it's making being at work very difficult. It's a pregnancy symptom and I LOVE IT.

I'm also crampy still and, as of about 4 days ago, perpetually hungry. That seems to have gone for today, but yesterday I think I had a full meal every 4 or 5 hours. I had a huge slice of butternut squash lasagna for dinner before heading to my resolve meeting. That was at 6:30. By the time I got home at 9:30, I was so hungry I had to make a piece of peanut butter smothered toast.

That's another thing. I am eating SO MUCH PEANUT BUTTER. I have an apple smothered in it every day, sometimes twice a day. I'm chowing greek yoghurt and a protein rich granola for breakfast, pumpkin seeds and walnuts as a snack, and then at least a banana or two a day. If there are two in there, I need to keep the protein intake really high to keep them healthy. I added a protein shake to my breakfast regiment this week, too.

That's about it for my update. I hope these symptoms continue and get even stronger.

13dp5dt

Beta: 1297 (a doubling time of just under 48 hours)
P4: 51.9

Things are looking like double trouble still! Ultrasound on Friday, then another on April 30.

10dp5dt beta

Official beta that was scheduled the day of the transfer was today.

HCG = 443 (different lab than yesterday so not comparable)
Progesterone = 46.9

YEAH!