good riddance, 2012 (this is a depressing post, beware)

On this day last year, I was excited for 2012. I was to start Lupron shots on January 1. Hubby and I went away for NYE to a TREE HOUSE (yes, it was SUPER cool). We took the dogs and I took ALL of my Lupron. I was nervous about my first injection but I was also so so so excited. IVF was to fix it all. We were to be parents around Halloween 2012. This was it for us and we were ecstatic.

Instead ... 2012 sucked.

January: My body went through so much. A failed IVF where I injected myself thrice daily with hormones most people don't even know how to pronounce or what they do.

February: I fell into a deep depression when IVF failed and we had no frozen embryos.

March: I had a chemical pregnancy. My second. And my beloved dog was diagnosed with heart cancer and given 1 day to 1 month to live (fortunately, she continues to defy medicine and is still around today).

April: My BiL and SiL (who got pregnant the first month they tried, and got pregnant the week we were terminating our July 2011 ectopic) gave birth to their perfect daughter. We had our appointment with donor egg.

May: While riding my bike, a woman almost ran me over in her car. Shockingly, that "episode" is on-going and causing me stress.

June: My body didn't respond properly to the meds and I thought the donor egg cycle would be canceled.

JULY: GOT PREGNANT!

August: So happy. Pregnant. Visited family.

September: World crashed. 9 week miscarriage and D&C. Fell into another deep depression. And Molly the kitty was diagnosed with cancer.

October: Another chemical pregnancy. My third.

November: Molly the kitty died.

December: Nothing yet, but there are still 6 1/2 hours left in this god-forsaken year.

This time last year, I said to myself "wow, 2011 sucked, 2012 can't be worse." I suppose I tempted or even challenged 2012 to prove me wrong.

It succeeded. I was wrong.

This year, I say this to 2013: "I know you could be worse. I am asking - begging - you to be better."

I enter 2013 with no expectations on the pregnancy front. I realize there is ABSOLUTELY NO GUARANTEE to our next donor egg cycle. I am scared shitless of this next round. But I am ready and am HOPING 2013 will be my year. I hope this applies to so many of you, too.

Fuck you, 2012. I didn't need to be shown I could survive this shit. I didn't need you to remind me or teach me that I am a strong mother fucker. I could have been perfectly happy in life without ever learning these lessons. Universe, I am begging you to allow me to learn no more hard lessons in the reproductive front. I won't be naive and ask you to never make me learn more hard lessons. I know life will always throw horribly hard things my way. I am just begging you to give me and hubby a break and to give us a baby or two (or three)!