Minor (read: more than minor) panic attack

My sister. I blogged about her a few months back when she called me to tell me the good news that she and her girlfriend (now fiancee) were starting the TTC process. How I was so angered and saddened by her excitement and how she seemed to show no understanding of how hard it would be for me to be excited for her. How I would be scared shitless that she'd get pregnant first.

My sister told me in December that she wanted a new job to get better maternity leave, so they wouldn't be doing an IUI before April (three months after she started a new job, so April being the earliest). Literally every day I didn't see an announcement in my inbox or on my phone or on Facebook that she had an interview or a new job was a good day for me.

Fast forward two and a half months.

Yesterday, trying to be a good big sister and give a shit about her job searching, I emailed her to see how it's going. "How is the job search going?" I said. I got her response and it sent me into a panic attack.

She told me her current job has approved the better maternity leave and also a salary increase, so she's staying there and is waiting to sign a new contract. "Things are looking positive!" she ended with. And then I realized "she has no more three month waiting period needed." And then I realize "she could literally do the insemination tomorrow."

Then my mind started racing. I have no idea where she is in her cycle. She might get her period next week and decide (provided they've chosen their sperm sample) so do the IUI asap. Or, she might have just started her cycle, meaning she'll miss this month, meaning I have a little breathing room.

I am hoping I have a month. If we can get to the end of March, our transfer will be coming up. And my due date - provided we get pregnant - will be first. And - per my birth order, the fact that I've been married three times as long as she's even known her fiancee and we've been trying longer than she's known her fiancee - well, I'LL GET TO GIVE MY MOTHER THE FIRST GRANDCHILD. Goddamnit, that's my right (isn't it?!?!)!

Whatever her timing is, it's going to happen soon. And - don't judge me please - I am not going to lie when I say that I hope it doesn't happen immediately for her. There, I said it. I certainly don't want her to have to wait more than 5 or 6 months, but I (feel terrible for saying) don't want her to get pregnant the first month. Not after all we've been through and all we have coming in the next few weeks.

I told my hubby how I was feeling and he said "can't you feel happy for family?" Yes, yes I can . . . sometimes. And I know what I *should* be feeling. But I am telling you what I am *actually* feeling and your judgment and condemnation isn't helping.

I don't know what will happen to my psyche if I learn she's pregnant. I know one thing, though: it ain't gonna be pretty. No amount of yoga or resolve or walking is going to get me through that announcement.