Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Minor (read: more than minor) panic attack

My sister. I blogged about her a few months back when she called me to tell me the good news that she and her girlfriend (now fiancee) were starting the TTC process. How I was so angered and saddened by her excitement and how she seemed to show no understanding of how hard it would be for me to be excited for her. How I would be scared shitless that she'd get pregnant first.

My sister told me in December that she wanted a new job to get better maternity leave, so they wouldn't be doing an IUI before April (three months after she started a new job, so April being the earliest). Literally every day I didn't see an announcement in my inbox or on my phone or on Facebook that she had an interview or a new job was a good day for me.

Fast forward two and a half months.

Yesterday, trying to be a good big sister and give a shit about her job searching, I emailed her to see how it's going. "How is the job search going?" I said. I got her response and it sent me into a panic attack.

She told me her current job has approved the better maternity leave and also a salary increase, so she's staying there and is waiting to sign a new contract. "Things are looking positive!" she ended with. And then I realized "she has no more three month waiting period needed." And then I realize "she could literally do the insemination tomorrow."

Then my mind started racing. I have no idea where she is in her cycle. She might get her period next week and decide (provided they've chosen their sperm sample) so do the IUI asap. Or, she might have just started her cycle, meaning she'll miss this month, meaning I have a little breathing room.

I am hoping I have a month. If we can get to the end of March, our transfer will be coming up. And my due date - provided we get pregnant - will be first. And - per my birth order, the fact that I've been married three times as long as she's even known her fiancee and we've been trying longer than she's known her fiancee - well, I'LL GET TO GIVE MY MOTHER THE FIRST GRANDCHILD. Goddamnit, that's my right (isn't it?!?!)!

Whatever her timing is, it's going to happen soon. And - don't judge me please - I am not going to lie when I say that I hope it doesn't happen immediately for her. There, I said it. I certainly don't want her to have to wait more than 5 or 6 months, but I (feel terrible for saying) don't want her to get pregnant the first month. Not after all we've been through and all we have coming in the next few weeks.

I told my hubby how I was feeling and he said "can't you feel happy for family?" Yes, yes I can . . . sometimes. And I know what I *should* be feeling. But I am telling you what I am *actually* feeling and your judgment and condemnation isn't helping.

I don't know what will happen to my psyche if I learn she's pregnant. I know one thing, though: it ain't gonna be pretty. No amount of yoga or resolve or walking is going to get me through that announcement.

10 comments:

  1. Aw *hugs* No judgement sweetie...It would seem incredibly unfair to not reach that goal first, given your history. I really hope that you do!

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  2. Oh goodness, I have had all of these thoughts before. I feel so guilty for hoping (on occasion) that others experience struggle, too. It doesn't make us bad people. Do I really want to bring another person this heartache? No. It's about having comrades on this journey. And about not being in very last place. You are definitely not alone in wanting these things!

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  3. Totally understandable how you feel.

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  4. I prayed that my SIL wouldn't get pregnant first (she wasn't trying when she fell pregnant with my nephew), and a few friends thought I was selfish. But it is I think the hardest pregnancy to swallow, even though now it is manageable. Hoping you get in first!

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  5. Totally get this post. I hope you are pregnant soon with the first grand baby :)

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  6. Having a younger sister myself who conceived easily and birthed two babies before I got pregnant, I get it. You just don't want to have it rubbed in your face. You can't control the situation so just try to focus on your own journey as much as you can. She may get pregnant before you...just know that the goal is not to be first, but to have a baby.

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  7. My younger sister accidently became pregnant by her boyfriend of 6 months a couple of years ago. It took an already strained relationship to a whole new level. I heard what you're saying. It's hard to watch others easily conceive. It's harder to watch a competitive sibling easily achieve something you're working your butt off for. I'm with MissC, though. At the end of the day, you can't focus on her. Because even if she does beat you to becoming pregnant, the end goal is about bringing home a child. And since you're child will have you as a parent, that's already a great advantage. In addition, being the "first" isn't always the picnic everyone makes it out to be.

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  8. I was in my second Clomid cycle when my 41 year old cousin announced her (unplanned) pregnancy. I was filled with a false sense of entitlement -this was supposed to me my turn! My BFF also had a baby 5 months ago and I hate that if I go have my own, she'll be the experienced know-it-all at parenting. Sometimes it just sucks being second. Hi from ICLW

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  9. I get that this must be really hard for you..... It doesn't really matter though if you're first, the most important thing is that you have a baby.

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  10. I completely get where you are coming from! I am the oldest grandchild out of 9, by quite a bit. And yet I sit here with no children while there are 6 great-grandkids already in the family. My younger by 5 years sister has 3 kids. My 21 year old brother had his son right out of high school. Believe me, I get it! I went through a lot of mental grief over it initially, but now I can tell you those nieces and nephews are my whole world! I am 38, been married for 15 years, ttc for 13+ years, and still no baby. I get it. I hope that you do get to have the first grandchild, but if for some reason that doesn't happen, it will not make your own someday baby any less loved or important. Besides that, nieces and nephews are such a blessing, although maybe a hard pill to swallow at first.

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